


Fire Your Guns

by angelivenantium



Series: Angel/Hunter writing madness [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Agent!Dean, Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Violence, scientist!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:39:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelivenantium/pseuds/angelivenantium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean, a federal agent, and Cas, a scientist working for NASA, have been together for a decade and trying to find a stable and good life, even with small reminders of Dean's time in the military, and it all goes well until there's a visit from someone Cas (and Dean) dearly wished they'd never see again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fire Your Guns

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anotherday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherday/gifts).



Castiel Novak was kind of a weird sleeper. If he was sleeping with Dean he always ended up sprawled across his chest, making it sort of hard to breathe in a very welcomed way; and if he was sleeping alone he usually curled up and buried himself beneath a pile of that fluffy comforter they bought when they moved in a few years ago, completely invisible to the world. It was just his way of feeling safe.

This was exactly how Dean found him one very late Christmas Eve when he got home from a job assignment in Chicago, rain dripping from his hair and working it’s way through all his layers of clothes. If he hadn’t seen it a thousand times before he probably wouldn’t even have thought there was a human being in that bed, let alone a 29-year-old man. 

He put his bag down by the closet and stripped out of his wet clothes before he got into bed, letting out a satisfied sigh, because boy, was he tired. And sure enough, ten seconds later he had an armful of Cas. He held on to him closely and kissed his messy bedhead.

“There’s food in the microwave,” Cas slurred and Dean felt a smile spread across his face, because even though he’d never admit it, sleepy Cas was at the top of his stuff-that-are-really-fucking-cute-list. Cas filled every single spot on that list, but we don’t really have to talk about that.

“I’m not hungry,” Dean murmured and nudged his nose against Cas’ temple. 

The large house was quiet around them, except for the smattering of rain against the window. A two-floored house with four rooms was probably too big for just the two of them, but it was theirs and it was home. It had been a pale shade of green when they bought it, but when Dean came back after a business trip to New York he found his house to be white instead and he almost didn’t recognise it first. 

Cas fell asleep shortly on Dean’s chest, breathing slowly and looking peaceful and content. Dean let his fingers trace his nose, making Cas nudge it against him in his sleep. A fond smile spread across Dean’s face.

“I love you,” he whispered and closed his eyes, keeping his hands on Cas’ back and immersed in the warmth of the other body as he drifted off to sleep.

\-------

Dean woke up the next morning to the smell of baking and with the rain gently drumming against the windows. Figures it had to rain on Christmas Day. He dragged his feet down the stairs and found Cas standing by the oven, checking on a fire truck red and delicious-looking pie. There were a few opened Christmas gift on the kitchen table, undoubtedly from Cas’ Christmas dinner with his family yesterday, along with the mandatory pile of drafts, books and Cas’ iPad. He was probably the world’s worst workaholic, but at least he was Dean’s workaholic. Dean went up behind him and kissed the two small wings tattooed into his left shoulder blade. Dean hadn’t even known Cas wanted to get tattooed when he got them four years ago. He had just walked through the door late one evening and when Dean asked him where he’d been he said ‘I did something spontaneous’ with an excited smile and pulled his shirt off. Dean had stared at it for two whole minutes and Cas had tried really hard not to laugh at him. Now the tattoo was smoothly mixed into his skin and shifted whenever he moved his shoulders.

Dean turned away from his busy boyfriend and went through the boxes - because there’s no such thing as privacy in this house anyway - and found a few books, a small painting and a ‘Sexy Policeman Costume - For When Someone’s Been Naughty’. Dean lifted it up with a mixture of disgust and fascination. How on earth did they find this?

“Eh, Cas? What is this?”

Cas turned around and his eyes went wide when he saw what Dean was holding.

“It’s from Gabe,” he stuttered and blushed. “I- I wasn’t actually planning on keeping it.”

Dean felt the corners of his mouth tugging, because embarrassed Cas? Easily number four on his cutest-stuff-list.

“What, you’re not?” Dean said and acted disappointed. “And here I thought you were upgrading it in the bedroom!”

Poor Castiel looked really confused and like he wasn’t sure Dean was messing with him or not. Dean felt a laughter bubbled up inside him and he went past Cas and put the costume in the trash. Cas looked relived and still a bit perplexed when Dean turned around again and slapped him on the ass. 

“Watcha making?” he asked and peeked inside the oven.

“Cherry pie,” Cas said and still had the endearing blush on his cheeks. Dean smiled and put a hand on his neck to pull him into a kiss.

“Merry Christmas,” he said and Cas kissed him several times more, with his hands on Dean’s hips.

“Merry Christmas,” he hummed. “Your gifts from my siblings are on the couch.”

Dean looked over his shoulder and saw a few, wrapped boxes in the cream white sofa.

“Awesome!”” he said cheerfully and Cas chuckled at him and went back to cleaning up all the bowls. 

Dean threw himself onto the couch and started to tear the wrapping paper away. He got a box of expensive-looking, Italian sweets from Anna, cologne from Balthazar and from Gabriel… ‘Sexy Scientist Costume - For When There’s Too Much Chemistry’. Seriously, was he sleeping with someone who owned a costume factory or something?

“Hey, Cas?” Dean called over his shoulder.

“Yes?” Cas answered him and came to lean against the doorframe to the living room.

“What do you think? Is it a keeper?” Dean said with a big grin and held up the costume. Cas’ eyes went wide again.

“Eh…” was all he said and Dean started to chortle, because he looked freaking hilarious.

“Just come here,” he said and Cas moved cautiously towards him, like he was worried Dean would force him into some sort of role-play right there and then. Dean threw the costume on the floor and gripped Cas’ slim wrists to pull him down onto his lap. 

“Do you know how freaking cute you are?” he mused and buried his face in the almost-black hair.

“I’m not cute, Dean, I’m an adult man!” Cas said against his neck.

“Yes, you are. Like a kitten!” Dean teased him.

“I’m not like a kitten!” he muttered and started to sound almost grumpy, which wasn’t in his favour at all because grumpy Cas was a strong number three on the list. Dean laughed at him and settled with his arms around him and fell into a comfortable silence. Cas’ fingers absently stroked up and down his spine, making him shiver.

“When do we have to leave?” Cas asked quietly after a few minutes. The two of them were going over to Sam and Jessica’s house in Baltimore, just on hour away, for Christmas lunch. Sam was working as an attorney at a big law firm in central Baltimore, god bless him, and Jessica holding the same position but at another firm. They had a four-year-old daughter named Emily, who absolutely adored Cas, and little boy on the way. 

“Two hours,” Dean said and totally did not drown in Cas’ eyes for a really long time with a flutter in his stomach. Eventually the doorbell rang and Cas smiled at him and got up. Dean made an embarrassing noise from loosing the warm weight in his lap and followed him to the door. Cas put his hand on the doorknob and pulled it open to reveal the woman living across the street.

“Merry Christmas,” she said and walked in through the door like it was her house, holding a pot in her hand. 

“Merry Christmas, Missouri,” Cas said and closed the door behind her. 

She didn’t seem to even notice that they were both bare-chested, but after more or less mothering them since they moved in it didn’t really matter what they were wearing. She’d seen them in far less than a pair of sweatpants. 

“I made you boys some turkey,” she announced and put the pot down on their counter, “since I assumed you’re still too lazy to make some yourselves.”

“Thanks, Missouri, you’re the best,” Dean grinned, because her turkey was like heaven on a plate. 

“So what are you two doin’ for Christmas today?” she asked and sat down at their kitchen table.

“We’re going to Sam’s for lunch,” Dean said and watched Cas as he pulled the pie out of the oven and cut out practically half the pie to put in a plastic box. “How about you? You going to your sister’s?”

“Yes, I only came by to bribe my favourite boys before I go. And I’ll make you another pot of turkey if you keep an eye on my house.” She gave Dean a meaningful look. She had had a couple of break-ins over the years and more or less made Dean into her personal house guard whenever she went away.

“Sure,” he said and smiled when she got up to pat him on the cheek. 

“I put enough in there for your sister’s family too,” Cas said and gave the box to Missouri. 

“Oh, aren’t you the sweetest darling ever?” Missouri purred and pulled him into a suffocating hug. “I hope you take good care of this one, Dean, because men like him don’t grow on trees, you mark my words, boy.”

“Yeah, he’s a real treasure, isn’t he?” Dean said and grinned when Cas blushed as they followed Missouri to the door.

“I can assure you he does more than that,” Cas said and Dean sneaked his arms around his waist and put his chin on his shoulder when they stood by the door. 

“And you make sure he doesn’t get himself into too much trouble with that crazy job of his,” she warned and pointed her finger at Cas.

“Oh, believe me, he tries his best,” Dean said and smiled when Cas leaned into his chest, making him feel warm and tingly. 

“Only because you’re too reckless for your own good,” Cas shot back and Missouri shook her head with a small smile. 

“Well, I’ll see you boys in a couple of days,” she said and closed the door behind her as she left.

“I’ll be right back,” Cas said and gave him a shove towards the living room.

Dean slumped down on the couch put his stretched out his legs on the seat next to him. Man, this couch was like gold. He fondly patted the back and scratched absently at a stain that was either blood or the strawberry pie they’d had last weekend, both options seeming equally likely. He really hoped on the pie though. Cas quickly returned, placing his legs on either side of Dean’s waist, and put two gifts between them. 

“Hey, how did you find that?” Dean said when he saw the gift he’d hidden very carefully a week earlier at the very back of a cupboard they never used.

“Please,” was all Cas had to say in the matter, rolling his eyes and he pushed the other box towards Dean. He nervously fiddled with Dean’s old, black leather around his wrist. Dean thought it was totally funny how he still got nervous from watching Dean open his gifts after 11 years. It was a quite small box and when Dean ripped it open there was a really nice, silver watch inside it. 

“Your old one broke,” Cas said simply and looked up at him.

“What? I just thought I’d lost it.”

“I dropped it in the washing machine.” 

Dean started laughing, because what? How was that even possible?

“Well, I already like this one better,” he said and kissed Cas all over his face. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied and smiled. Dean nudged the other gift towards him and when Cas picked it up and gently unwrapped it, his nerves started to rub off on Dean. He knew the gift was cheesy, so incredibly cheesy. Why did he always have to go with cheesy when it came to his boyfriend?!

“Oh,” Cas said when he opened the lid and picked up a black and leather-bound notebook. Dean mentally punched himself to death. 

“You don’t have to like it, you don’t even have to open it or read it, I can just burn it and get you a shirt or somethi-“

Cas put two fingertips over his mouth. 

“Shut up, Winchester,” he said and opened it. Dean would have jerked it from his hands, if Cas hadn’t held it out of his reach. “What is this?” he said and slowly eyed the pages.

“It’s a memory book,” Dean sighed and squirmed. “I wrote down all the best memories I have with you, a bit like that book the hobbit writes, you know, so you could read it if you ever felt lonely or something when I have to go away on an assignment, but I can really give you something else if you just let me throw that away, because it’s so fucking lame and I know it.”

“You’re not throwing it away!” Cas said and looked alarmed. “I love it and if you ever damage it, I’m selling your car.”

Dean felt a small smile spread across his face. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said and leaned back on the couch, pulling Dean with him so he was lying along his side and stroking his thick hair while Cas read. 

“I remember this,” Cas mumbled and showed Dean one of the pages. It was about when Dean had known Cas for just about two weeks and they were sitting at a coffee shop after working on an English project together. It was in that coffee shop, talking to Cas, drowning in the perfect shade of blue and being enchanted by beautiful hands that Dean had later realised he’d started to fall in love with him.

“I didn’t know you felt like that then,” Cas kept mumbling and traced Dean’s arm with his gentle fingers.

“Well, you were kinda already taken,” Dean smiled at him.

“I started having feelings for you on the school steps after the first week in school,” Cas said absentmindedly while he continued to read. Dean knew exactly what he was talking about. They’d been sitting outside school and Dean had been telling him about a girl he’d gone home with, mostly because she had almost the same eye colour as Cas, although that was something Dean would never admit. He’d even told Cas her eyes were brown. 

“But you were still in love with Lucifer then,” Dean pointed out, surprised.

“Yes,” Cas said simply and smiled. “It was very confusing.”

Dean huffed and rested his head on Cas’ chest. He must have dozed off there, because the next time he opened his eyes Cas had gotten like 20 pages further in the book (yes, he’d written over 300 things, taking up 35 pages; they’d been together for over a decade for Christ’s sake) and was stroking his fingers through his short hair. 

“Watcha reading now?” he asked dozily. 

“Michigan two years ago.”

Dean smiled to himself. He had persuaded Cas that they needed to go fishing at least once during their life together and taken them on the full day’s drive to Mears State Park where Bobby new a guy who owned a lake house. It’d been a complete disaster. They hadn’t even managed to catch any seaweed, let alone a fish. Cas had given up on the fishing after like 40 minutes and started reading and after two hours out on the lake it’d started pouring down out of nowhere. They’d been wet and cold when they rushed into the house that fortunately had a fireplace, which was just a perfect excuse to strip each other’s cloths off and making out in front of the warm fire. Then Cas had been clumsy enough to cut his whole freaking hand open while making some sort of replacement for dinner. Dean had freaked out, forcing him to sit down on the floor so he wouldn’t pass out (‘seriously, Dean, I’m fine’, ‘just shut up and do as I say’) and carefully cleaned the injury with Cas’ disapproving eyes burning a whole in his head, and when he’d wanted to take him to a hospital back at Grand Rapids Cas had just glared at him and gotten down on his knees to lick his ways down Dean’s shorts until Dean had lost the mental power to nag him anymore. So all in all, it was still a very good memory.

Dean took a look at his new watch and sighed plaintively when he realised he’d had to get up and take a shower. He pushed himself off the couch and climbed very inelegantly over Cas.

“Where are you going?” Cas said with a small pout that Dean just had to press his lips against.

“Shower,” he answered. “We have to get going soon.”

“Can I come?”

Dean halted on his way towards the staircase, trying to suppress a grin.

“Oh, I’ll make sure of it,” he said and Cas practically bounced of the couch to dragged him upstairs. 

\-------

Three hours later Dean was leaning against the dining room table with a beer in his hand. He rarely drank, mostly because of how alcohol had become his painkiller when he was the most crushed after the war, just like it had for his Dad, but one or two beers in the security of his brother’s home was all right. Sam was in the kitchen, putting some hurried last touches on the food while Jessica was running between the table and her husband, carrying different plates and refusing to let Dean help, so he just settled with watching Cas play with Emily in the couch. He was sitting with his legs crossed and let the small girl climb all over him and pull his hair with her small hands and she laughed like a little angel when he tickled her. “Two angels on one couch” Dean thought and took another sip of his beer. 

Cas was really great with kids. It was just something about him that kids loved; maybe the way he treated them like real human beings or the way he would let them be all over him and talked to them without ever using a baby voice. 

A thought hit Dean with such a force he almost choked on the beer. Maybe Cas wanted kids? Did he? Was he expecting them to adopt some little sweetheart from somewhere one day? Dean really had no idea. They’d never talked about it. And the worst part was Dean was very sure he could never have children. They were cute and lovely and sure, he would have loved to adopt like a hundred of them, taking them away from misery and war and starvation or whatever cruelties the world had thrown at them, because he’d seen the despair many children lived in. But he couldn’t. Not after that small girl in Afghanistan who’d saved his life by getting shot in his place. He was rarely even able to spend more than a few hours with a child, especially girls and especially if they had black hair, before he started sweating and finding it hard to breath. If there were a large group of kids and lots of screaming he could even start hyperventilating or go into a panic attack if things were really bad. So what if Cas wanted kids and he wouldn’t be able to give them to him?

Dean took a large swing of the beer and pushed the thoughts away for now. It was Christmas for fuck’s sake.

“We’re finally finished!” Jessica called and walked in with a last bowl of mashed potatoes with Sam right behind her. Her thick ponytail was swinging behind her as she walked. 

They ate and opened presents and then ate some more and it was all really nice and cosy and Dean was able to really enjoy himself until him and Cas were back in the car and backing out from the red brick house. Dean was quiet most of the ride, lost in thoughts, and Cas didn’t push him. When they were back in their own house, Dean sat down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee between his hands and stared down into the dark fluid like it held all the answers in the universe. 

“I can’t have kids, Cas,” he said suddenly as Cas was putting away some glasses into a cupboard. He turned around, looking surprised. 

“Do you mean biologically or…?” he said slowly and seemed puzzled. “Because I don’t think that would be a problem since we’re both male anyway.”

“No, no, I mean… psychologically,” he said and rubbed his eyes. “I just can’t have kids. I- I wouldn’t be able to handle it, not since the war and that girl and I realised that I didn’t know if you wanted children and I wouldn’t be able to have one and I just… thought…” He didn’t really know what he thought so he just left it there. Cas looked sympathetically at him.

“Dean…” he started and went to sit down on the table in front of him, putting his feet on either side of Dean’s seat. “I don’t feel any need to have children and I genuinely believe that’s not going to change.”

Dean kept staring into his coffee mug, because he didn’t want to face Cas’ sincere, baby blue eyes right now.

“But you’re so good with them and I just wish I could give you, you know, everything,” he murmured and mentally slapped himself for sounding like such a little drama queen. 

“You already do that,” Cas said with an honest smile and searched for his eyes. When the green ones locked on his, his smile widened. “You don’t think I’d go missing something and keep quiet about it, do you?” 

That thought had never really entered Dean’s self-blaming brain and he suddenly felt a bit stupid.

“No, of course you wouldn’t.”

“Exactly.” Cas put his hands on Dean’s shoulders, squeezing them lightly. “Would you have wanted children if the circumstances were different?”

“Maybe,” Dean mumbled. The thought occurred pretty much every time he saw some happy couple with kids clinging to their hands, but no. It just wouldn’t be possible to even consider. 

Cas stared into his eyes, in that silent-conversation-way they used to get absorbed in. Sometimes it was more efficient than words, like right now for example. Cas finally broke the eyes contact to kiss him on the neck.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Do you want to try that pie now?”

Dean felt himself light up and the heavy air between them slip away. God bless his boyfriend.

“Yeah, absolutely,” he said and stood up. He put his hands underneath Cas’ thighs and lifted him up. Cas’ hands went around his shoulders with a yelp and a small laughter before he leaned in and kissed him slowly. Dean carried him to the kitchen counter and put him down there instead, but when he tried to move to get the pie of out the fridge and into the microwave, he was held back by Cas’ legs around his hips, his finger’s clutching Dean’s collar and he pulled him in again. 

“Cas?” he murmured against his lips.

“Mmm…?”

“Am I completely horrible if I want to try that pie before this gets so far that I just end up pushing you down on the counter?”

Cas snorted and laughed against his cheek.

“Yes,” he said. “Absolutely awful.” He paused for a moment. “Would you really push me down on the counter? Because that does sound kind of tempting.” 

“Yeah, okay, time to break it off,” Dean said as he felt a lot of blood rushing south. Cas let his hand fall and brush roughly over Dean’s crotch when he turned around, making him gasp.

“Oh, you son of a bitch,” he panted and Cas just smirked at him. Dean lifted out the pie, shoved in into the microwave and pushed some buttons. When he turned around again Cas was busy with casually unbuttoning his shirt, like that was just something completely normal and innocent that everyone did in the kitchen. His legs dangled from the counter as he pushed it down his shoulder and when his eyes flashed up to Dean they were dark and challenging and yeah, Dean was definitely hard now and damn it, he’d really wanted to taste that pie. Worst part was that he knew perfectly well he was being tested and he was falling for it like a fucking druggie to cocaine. 

“Well, you asked for it,” he said dangerously before he took two swift steps towards Cas, grabbed his thighs and pulled them forward, so that he almost ended up lying with his back against the counter. Cas gasped loudly as their crotches clashed together, creating so much friction in so many perfect places. Dean ripped Cas’ belt off, bent down and bit and licked at his chest and Cas moaned as Dean’s hands came to press down on his groin and scratch down his stomach. Before Cas had even had time to catch his breath, Dean ripped his pants off him, rocked his hips against him as he bit and sucked on his neck. Dean moved his mouth to lick all the way up Cas’ stomach, making his back arch involuntarily, and pulled his shorts off too. Feeling far too dresses, Dean quickly pulled off his shirt and made sure to brush his stomach along Cas’ crotch as he reached back up to suck more hickeys on his neck. Cas gasped so loudly it almost became a cry and Dean moved his hand to rub up and down him, taking out a condom and lube from a kitchen drawer (don’t ask; they had small hidings in pretty much every room) before pushing his pants down with one hand. He quickly prepped himself and worked Cas’ open at the same time and pushed in the moment he seemed ready, making Cas whimper and moan and clutch to him. Just a minute later he had Cas coming all over him with a cry and Dean fell right over too, completely losing it to the sound of Cas. 

“Oh my god,” Cas panted when he seemed to be able to breath again. “I was not expecting that.”

Dean chortled at him and felt wonderfully drained of energy.

“Then maybe you should listen better next time,” he said and threw the condom away.

“No, I think I prefer this method,” he said and propped himself up on his elbows. Dean just shook his head.

“You’re gonna be the death of me some day,” he murmured and took the pie out.

\-------

A few days after New Year’s eve Dean was sitting at the office and feeling really tired and really fucking bored. He’d been assigned some work about a hack into confidential files at the White House and it all pointed to a potential terrorist group. Dean thought it was something the Homeland Security should handle all by themselves, but no, the big guys wanted cooperation between the agencies and stuff. Complete bullshit if you asked Dean, because sure enough, one hour after he’d gotten the assignment a quirky redhead called Charlie had walked into the office and put up her laptop on the desk next to him. This was three weeks ago, and sure, she was really fun and great to hang out with, but she also did most of the work, being a super hacker/computer geek and Dean spent way to much time doing nothing. He was gonna get sloppy.

To make the time go faster they’d started telling each other stories from their childhood and about their families and everything. Since Dean didn’t want to talk too much about anything to do with his parents or the army, it just became natural for him to focus on Sam and Cas and soon enough Charlie talked with him about them like she knew them.

But right now, Dean was bored. So incredibly bored. It was late and he’d been sitting in that office for hours straight with Charlie tapping away on her laptop like she was born with a keyboard in her hands. 

“You know, if you want to go home I can just finish this up by myself,” Charlie said when she grew tired of listening to him tapping his pen against his desk. “I’m sure Castiel is waiting for you with a romantic bath or something.”

Dean snorted at her and gently slapped her arm.

“You’re such a pervert,” he teased and she gave him a crooked smile and shooed him out of the office with a ‘go get him, tiger’. Dean just shook his head as he pressed the elevator button to the garage.

He walked through his front door 40 minutes later, throwing his bag and jacket on the floor and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, exhaling slowly and feeling relaxed. He moved out of the hall and walked towards the kitchen, but when he turned around the corner he stopped dead. Cas was sitting at the kitchen table with his face in his arms that were folded on the table top and his shoulders were trembling. 

“Cas…” 

Dean hurried forwards and crouched down beside Cas’ chair, putting a hand on one of the shaky shoulders.

“Cas, tell me what’s wrong.”

When he still didn’t get an answer he was starting to get seriously fucking worried, so he put a hand on Cas chest and gently forced him up from the table. His eyes were red and he didn’t seem to breath as much as Dean thought he should. 

“Please, Castiel, you’re freaking me out,” he practically begged him, putting a hand on his neck both to hold him up and take his pulse at the same time. Old army habit. Cas wiped his nose and took a deep, shaky breath.

“Anna called…” he started with a weak voice, “our father… he had a stroke and didn’t… didn’t make it…”

He brushed his hand over his cheeks as new tears started rolling down them. 

“Oh, Cas, I’m so sorry,” Dean said, feeling completely inadequate. Cas turned his gaze down towards him and turned around on his chair to face him, making Dean kneel between his legs instead for at his side. Dean put his hands on his waist and Cas seemed to melt down on the floor and into his arms. Dean stroked his back with one hand and placed the other on his chest to keep him from falling over. 

“Just breathe, okay?” he whispered when Cas’ ribcage still didn’t rise the way it should do. He felt him inhale slowly against his palm. “When did this happen?”

“20 minutes ago…?” Cas said like he wasn’t entirely sure. 

“I’m so sorry, babe,” Dean mumbled and kept stroking his back, feeling him calm down in his arms. 

Cas took one more deep breath before he pushed himself up by putting his hands on Dean’s shoulders. Dean stood up too, clutching to Cas’ arms in case he’d fall over.

“I didn’t make any dinner,” Cas sighed. Dean kissed him beneath his teary eyes.

“Don’t be stupid, of course you shouldn’t have made dinner,” Dean said and cupped his gorgeous face. Cas huffed out a small and tired laugh. “Do you want anything? Are you hungry?”

Cas shook his head.

“No, I don’t- I don’t think I’d be able to…”

Dean just nodded and kissed him again, brushing his soft hair away from his face.

“Go up to bed, I’ll be right with you, okay?”

Cas sniffled once more and nodded. He slowly walked towards the stairs, looking small and miserable and Dean’s heart hurt from seeing him in so much pain. He took a deep breath, pushed away the memories from when his own Dad had died and he’d barely shed a single tear, having to be strong for Sammy and being mad at his Dad for leaving them so much and then having to go and get himself killed in a stupid car accident on base. But that didn’t matter anymore.

He took a glass of water and went upstairs after his partner, turning all the lights off and picking up the jacket from the floor in the hall and throwing it in the washing bin in the upstairs bathroom, along with the rest of his suit.

He put his gun on the nightstand and crawled into bed where Cas was lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling, looking like a statue. 

“Come here,” Dean murmured and put an arm around Cas’ waist, letting him settle on his chest with his head over his heart. “I’m so, so sorry.” He felt Cas nod and then more tears started to come, running down Dean’s torso. Cas tried weakly to pull away, but Dean held him close to him and turned to lie on his side so he could let Cas cuddle up against him, putting his nose against Dean’s neck and whimpering slightly. Dean felt his heart break a million times over and he held on to Castiel for dear life, kissing his dark hair and stroking him and doing anything he could think of to comfort him. After two hours Cas’ breaths steadied and Dean realised he’d fallen asleep, so he let his eyelids drop and breathed in Cas’ smell until sleep claimed him too.

\-------

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” Dean was muttering as he chased around the house after his badge in the middle of the night. It’d been almost three weeks after Cas’ father had passed away and two since the funeral. It’d been nice enough, with loads of people and a slight rain. Cas seemed to be doing okay, except for the few times Dean had caught him standing somewhere, like in front of the kitchen sink, wiping a few tears away. Dean usually just put his arms around him, letting him know he was there and Cas would quickly dry his face and put on a small and brave smile that didn’t fool Dean for a second.

But right now, Dean was late as hell for a surveillance mission and his stupid badge wouldn’t turn up anywhere. He’d considered just leaving without it, but didn’t think an ‘I have a badge at home, promise’ would get him very far. When the stupid thing finally decided to show he shoved it down his pocked, quickly kissed a sleepy Cas goodbye and almost ran out the door.

The assignment they were currently working on was a pure pain in the ass. Dean and Rufus were sitting in a car hidden behind shipping containers, monitoring the harbour in what was called a sting operation, which meant that another CIA agent had infiltrated a group to gather information. They’d been trying to catch an organisation suspected of smuggling weapons into the country to sell on the black market, using oil transports as a cover-up, and they needed to catch them in action to be able to prove the illegal activities. Apparently there was a big transport coming in tonight, which would give them a perfect opportunity to catching them with their hands in the cookie jar. There were officers and FBI agents hiding here and there around the harbour, because there was a large risk of things getting pretty heated, but until something actually happened, it was pretty boring. A ship harboured somewhere around 6 A.M. and then two small groups of people appeared to make the payment exchange, which was exactly what they’d been waiting for. Dean and Rufus burst out of the car and raised their guns, yelling ‘CIA’, but the sons of bitched had been armed and before they got any further than that there were bullets flying through the air. Dean had barely taken two steps before one bullet crashed into his bullet proof vest and then another into his arm, making his entire right side of his body feel like fire. 

When the commotion was over and the smugglers cuffed on the ground, Dean got back to his feet, clutching his arm and gritting his teeth.

“You okay?” Rufus asked before he saw the blood dripping through Dean’s fingers and he cursed under his breath. Dean was taken to the hospital by a young and nervous-looking rookie who almost missed to make the right turn and then immediately taken in and propped up on a bed with some heavy anaesthesia in his arm before an old doctor took the bullet out and patched him up. They wanted to keep him for surveillance, but seriously fucking please. He had had a bullet dug out from his thigh by Benny, using nothing but a small knife and some dusty thread, in the middle of a bomb-shattered bunker. He could handle this just fine. 

When he walked into the waiting room on his way out with his arm resting in a support band around his neck, Cas was sitting in one of the chairs, looking completely pissed off. He was wearing his usual work outfit that included a pair of almost-tight trousers, a white dress shirt and a grey, wool jacket that Dean had gotten him for his last birthday, and his hair was even messier than usual, like he’d repetitively pushed his hands through it. He’d taken the jacket off and thrown it across his lap and his shirt looked wrinkled and the sleeves were rolled up, like he’d waited there for a long time - which, to be fair, he probably had - and his laptop bag was leaning against his leg. When he saw Dean he pushed himself up, took a few strides up to him and Dean actually thought he was gonna get punched. Cas looked like he wanted to yell at him but after a glance around the room and all frightened-looking old ladies, he pushed Dean outside into the bright, but very cold daylight instead before turning him around and piercing him with those ‘I will smite you’- eyes. 

“Just spit it out already,” Dean said when he grew tired of the fidgeting. 

“You’re a fucking idiot!” Cas almost shouted. “You could have died, for Christ’s sake!”

“Yeah, I know, we’ve been through this a billion times already.”

“That doesn’t make it any simpler or less terrifying when it actually happens,” Cas said with that low and dangerous voice Dean tried really hard not to find attractive right now. Cas’ eyes were dark and locked on Dean’s with a mixture of anxiety in them and he pushed his hand through his dark hair in frustration. Dean’s heart warmed considerably when he realised Cas was just being irrational and pissed because he was worried. He must have smiled or something because Cas looked even more furious and stepped right into Dean’s personal space in the middle of the parking lot, only an inch or two between their noses.

“Are you actually finding your own potential death funny?” he asked slowly and Dean swallowed because damn that was hot. It wasn’t something Dean was planning on mentioning thought, because then he’d surely be forced to go back inside that hospital with a broken nose instead.

“No,” he said instead, “I’m not, but this wasn’t even a close call and it’s not like I get shot at on a daily basis.” 

Cas eyes soften and Dean was sure he was remembering a certain war just like Dean was currently doing and his partner seemed to deflate, putting a hand on his forehead. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he said tiredly. “It’s just a really big shock to hear that the man you love has been shot. Again.”

“Yeah, but it’s not really a big deal…” Dean began, but Cas stepped back towards him with firm eyes.

“Imagine if it was me,” he said and Dean’s heart stopped for a second when the image of Cas, shot and bleeding, appeared in his mind, clear as day. “Do you think it’d get easier for every time?”

Dean swallowed and felt very insensitive. 

“No, of course not, I’d be devastated,” he mumbled and wanted to look anywhere but directly at Cas, but he gripped his chin firmly with an elegant hand and made him look him straight in the eye.

“Exactly. I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you have no idea how scary it is to get those phone calls, especially because of Afghanistan and- and-…” he trailed off, eyes flickering on and off Dean, looking like he was lost for words. Dean felt guilty, making Cas go through those things. He’d known there would be risks with this sort of occupation, but it was jut something they’d been prepared to deal with. But it still didn’t keep him from feeling guilty about it, even if he wouldn’t have it any other way. He swallowed a lump and stared down at Cas’ black, leather shoes, thoughts swirling around in his head. “Don’t beat yourself up, Dean,” Cas said, looking straight through him like usual. He sighed deeply and put his forehead against Dean’s. “Look, can we just go home and order pizza or something?”

Dean quickly looked up into Cas’ baby blues and he smiled at him, feeling like if he could keep Cas with him for the rest of his life he would gladly take any pain and misery the world could throw at him.

“Yeah, sure,” he said and put a hand at the small of Cas’ back, turning them towards Cas’ dark grey Audi A4. Gabriel had tried to make Castiel buy a Porsche or Lamborghini or something else that according to him was proper, but Cas didn’t do sumptuous (and if he would, Dean was pretty sure Cas would have a Rolls-Royce rather than an Italian show off). Cas was the kind of guy who totally could have afforded to surround himself in expensive stuff all his life, but still chose to steal Dean’s old t-shirts and buy a decent car and Dean kinda loved him for it.

\-------

Dean was allowed (or well, forced) to take Friday off, so after he finished sulking about it he decided to make an extra… okay, fine, romantic dinner. He drove to the supermarket with one arm and manoeuvred his way between the aisles the best he could. When he was standing in the middle of choosing between natural or vanilla yogurt someone slapped him in the back.

“Winchester! What happened to you man?” Dean turned around and found himself was to was with Ash, who was carrying a baby in a harness on his chest. Ash worked in the same department as Dean, but had taken a couple of months off after his wife died giving birth to their second daughter. The man looked tired underneath the easy smile and he was supporting the baby with a hand on it’s back.

“Got shot,” Dean said with a crooked smile and lowered his voice. “You know the weapons smugglers? We made a sting yesterday and well, it kinda escalated a little.”

“Oh yeah?” Ash murmured quietly, looking over his shoulder. “But you got them right?”

“Yeah, it’s taken care of,” Dean said and picked a vanilla from the shelf. “Lily looks like she’s doing good.” He smiled down at the sleeping baby.

“She’s eating like a horse,” Ash said with his eyes shining with pride. 

“She’ll kick your ass in no time then,” Dean joked and put a hand on Ash’ shoulder as they walked towards the pasta and rise-aisle. “So how are you holding up, man?”

“It’s hard,” he replied with a sigh. “Caitlyn is missing her mum. She’s only three so I don’t think she understands that she’s… gone.” His voice cracked a little bit and Dean felt sorry for him and patted his shoulder. “Well, I should get going.”

“Yeah, me too,” Dean said. “It was nice to see you, man.”

“Yeah, you too!”

Ash disappeared down the store and Dean went towards the checkout.

\-------

A few hours later he was standing in the kitchen and trying to prepare an improvised steak and potato wedges when he heard the front door open. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Cas called jokingly and Dean chuckled.

“You had a good day?” he asked when he felt Cas’ arms slide around his stomach. 

“Yes, although there was a power failure before I was able to go home,” he sighed and rested his forehead against Dean’s neck. “I had to redo half a days work in two hours.”

“Lemme guess; you forgot to save.”

“Shut up,” Cas chuckled and placed a kiss in his hair. “I’m going to take a shower. You don’t need any help, do you?”

“Nah, I’m fine,” Dean said and Cas disappeared upstairs. 

Ten minutes later the doorbell rang. Dean put the frying pan off to the side to keep it from burning and walked out of the kitchen. When he opened the door there was a young girl, maybe in her early twenties, with a fruit basket in her hands.

“Can I help you?” Dean said and eyed her.

“Dean Winchester?” the girl said eagerly. “I saw you at the supermarket today and couldn’t help but overhearing your conversation with your friend with the baby.” 

“Uh-huh,” Dean said and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

“No, but I live just a few streets away, that’s why I knew where you live and I think you seem so brave and heroic and I just couldn’t keep myself from getting this for you,” she said and lifted the basket up a bit. Dean eyed it suspiciously. 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t accept that,” he said and smiled apologetically.

“But!” the girl interrupted when he made a move to close the door, because he was seriously starting to feel quite uncomfortable. “But… I really want you to! I’m sure you’re the kindest and most wonderful man like ever, doing what you do and sacrificing yourself to fight evil.” Her big, grey eyes were staring up at him with admiration radiating out of them.

Dean felt himself blush, because what do you say after something like that? And he was feeling really inappropriate to even be talking to this 10 years younger girl who was obviously crushing on him.

“Eh… thank you,” he said awkwardly. “I, eh...”

He heard slow footsteps coming down the stairs and silently thanked god for the interruption. 

“Who’s that?” the girl asked and sounded almost accusatory. 

Dean looked over his shoulder and was met by the sight of Cas in one of Dean’s t-shirts and a pair of too large jeans that hugged his ass perfectly and his hair was still wet from showering. Dean felt himself light up inside and he might even have sighed. Might. The object of Dean’s admiration gave the pair by the door an odd look and disappeared into the kitchen. Dean didn’t even notice the fond smile on his face when he turned around to the girl again.

“That’s my partner.”

“As in… work partner?” she said tentatively, like she was telling Dean that was the only correct answer here.

“As in boyfriend,” Dean said and her face dropped.

“Well!” she outburst. “I’m sorry for disturbing you. It won’t happen again!” And with that she turned on her heel and furiously stomped down the steps and disappeared down the road, dropping a couple of fruits on the way.

Dean peeked after her for a moment, very confused to what had just happened and closed the door, mumbling ‘that was weird’ to himself. When he went into the kitchen Cas was sitting by the table with his nose in the paper.

“Who was that?” he asked and Dean knew he was trying so hard to sound casual, bless his soul. 

“Castiel, you’re not jealous are you?” Dean said mockingly with a grin. Maybe he was being immature, but it was something that tickled him inside whenever Cas got possessive. And he’d been stuck and bored at home pretty much all day with only one working arm, so give him a break.

“No,” Cas replied with a little too much force. “Of course I’m not, that would be unreasonable.”

“Admit it,” Dean said and nonchalantly pushed his free hand through Cas’ hair from behind, leaning over him with his chest pressed against his back. “I can see right through you, y’know,” he mumbled in his ear and Cas shivered. 

“It’s unbelievable how eager you are to uncover that kind of hostile emotions in me,” he muttered, but Dean knew he was close to victory.

“Then maybe you wouldn’t mind if I went out to see if I can’t get that fruit basket after all.” He knew he was pushing it and it probably was really harsh, but it was way too much fun to tease Castiel to stop.

When he moved to walked out of the kitchen Cas was suddenly standing two feet from him, blocking the way. His eyes were burning dark and fierce, and Dean felt a rush of lust through his body. He took a step closer and Cas didn’t move one inch to let him pass.

“Admit it,” Dean whispered and felt a grin tugging on his mouth. 

“Fine,” Cas said with his jaw set tight. “I’m jealous.” Dean knew he was loving this far too much, especially as the tension started building between them like gravity, but damn it if he didn’t think it was worth it. Cas eyes darkened even more with something flickering in the middle of them and Dean was getting hard already, which was more than embarrassing.

“I love it when you get jealous,” he murmured without really meaning to, put his healthy hand on Cas hip and slowly dragged his nose along his neck. “Although you don’t have any reason to be.” 

“I hope her house set on fire,” Cas muttered under his breath and Dean started laughing, because his boyfriend actually sounded pretty scary. When he looked up Cas was almost smiling, but still had that vicious look in his eyes. 

“Dude, come on, I’m joking,” he said. “Don’t do a Nellie, okay?” Cas actually looked embarrassed for a second, before he went back to just looking dark and threatening. A few years ago they’d been at a sports bar called ‘Nellie’s’ with a couple of friends and some really douche-y guy had come onto Dean like there was no tomorrow and Cas had actually punched him in the face. Dean had tried his best not to double over in laughter so he could get Cas the hell out of there instead, only to collapse two blocks away in an alley and laugh until they couldn’t breathe.

Cas turned so Dean ended up against the doorway with his hand still gripping Cas’ hip. 

“I just want people to know that you’re mine,” he said quietly, pressed a leg between Dean’s thighs and started sucking on Dean’s neck, careful not to crush Dean’s hurt arm. Dean’s hand moved to press against the back of those wonderful jeans that barely stayed up on Cas’ hips, pressing them closer and gasping involuntarily when their hips pushed together.

“Possessive little bastard,” Dean murmured.

“Like you didn’t already know that,” Cas said with his voice low and raspy and with his lips against that sweet point just over Dean’s collarbone. He kept sucking and biting and licking until Dean’s breath was way quicker than usual and he pushed Cas back against the other side of the doorway, tearing his clothes off with a little help from Cas and sucked him off until Cas was almost crying out with pleasure. After Cas had forced Dean down on the floor and sucked him off too, they lay there together in the middle of the kitchen and had no intentions of moving, like ever, if Dean had anything to say about it.

Cas was tracing the hickey’s he’d made on Dean’s chest with a long finger, looking somewhat proud of himself. Dean was unhurriedly massaging through his hair and drowning in how it was shining in the early evening light and made small streaks of brown stand out in all the almost black. ‘He’s mine,’ he thought and felt a smile spread on his face. 

\-------

Because Dean was now partly immobilised he was forced to sit on his stupid chair and do paperwork - like going through reports and compile forms - until his arm was good again, and it was outrageously boring. He went to get coffee like four times before lunch just because he felt like he was going insane. He’s no goddamn bureaucrat, for fuck’s sake.

When he finally was allowed to go home he honest to god had trouble standing because he’d been sitting on his ass for so long. Cas was driving him to and from work since he couldn’t do it himself, which forced him to wait another half hour for him to get there. When his phone beeped and a text from Cas told him he was there, he hurried out as quickly as his stiff legs could carry him and almost gasped at the bright daylight. Seriously, he had to get out of the building more often if he would be able to do this for several weeks. 

Cas was leaning against his car and texting away on his smartphone. 

“Hey, babe,” he said and leaned next to Cas, their shoulders close together. He was looking kinda tired from working all day.

“Hello,” Cas said with a smile and looked up to kiss Dean lingering on the mouth. He was wearing that perfecting fitting wool jacket and Dean snaked his healthy arm around his back and put it in his pocket to hide it from the cold. He tugged Cas closer and enjoyed the warmth from his body.

“Who are you texting?”

“Anna,” Cas said and started writing again. “She’s met someone and apparently this could be the one, just like the last three men she’s dated.” His mouth tugged upwards into a small smile that Dean couldn’t help but mimic and he put the phone into his hand-free pocket. “How was work?” he said and snuggled as close to Dean as he could in the parking lot outside a federal agency. 

“Boring as hell!” Dean exclaimed. “I was almost considering jumping out the window.” Cas chuckled.

“Good thing you didn’t, because I was planning on buying pizza on the way home.”

Two hours later they were sitting on the couch with their feet on the table and an episode of Mythbusters on the TV in the background that neither of them was watching. 

“You know what would have been perfect right now?” Dean asked and took another big bite of his pizza. “Pie!” Cas got up from the couch, leaving Dean sitting there by himself and wondering if he’d somehow managed to say something wrong. 

“I’m expecting something in return for this,” Cas suddenly murmured in his ear before he slopped back down in the couch next to him with a large piece of diner pie and two forks in his hands. Dean’s eyes widened with exhilaration and he pulled Cas into his lap and kissed every inch of his face that he could reach, especially his raspy jaw that scratched against Dean’s lips.

“Dean, stop!” Cas laughed and tried to save the pie from getting squashed between them.

“Why?” Dean said with a pout and his best puppy eyes. Not that he ever came close to Cas’ puppy eyes and especially not Sam’s, but whatever. A for effort.

“Because perhaps it would be favourable to actually taste the pie before you ruin it by hauling me around, for which I am contemplating throwing the pie away entirely, by the way.”

“Maybe I wanna taste you,” Dean said. Cas tried and failed to hide a grin and pushed himself from Dean’s death grip. 

“Throwing it away!” he exclaimed, stood up and walked by the couch. Dean jumped up too and threw his healthy arm around Cas, keeping him from walking.

“Fine, we’ll eat the fucking pie,” Dean said and Cas allowed himself to be dragged back towards the couch and slumped down in Dean’s lap once again when the edge of the couch hit the back of Dean’s legs. Cas opened the lid and gave Dean a fork. Dean instantly started digging into the pie and hummed with satisfaction. Cas laughed gently against his chest and took a bite himself, before he put the fork down and settled with his cheek resting on Dean’s shoulder and he closed him eyes. 

“Tired?” Dean asked and took another piece of pie. Cas nodded and put a hand on Dean’s side, lightly holding onto his plaid shirt. He yawned and brushed away a tear rolling from his eye.

“I should probably try and finish this week’s log report,” he mumbled and sighed deeply. 

“Dude, it’s like 10 P.M. Don’t you think it’s a little late for that, huh?”

“No, it’s better to get it done.” Cas made a half-hearted attempt to get up from Dean’s lap, but Dean wouldn’t let him. 

“Come on, it’s Friday. Stay,” Dean said and shuffled down so he was half-lying on the couch and brought Cas with him, doing his best to cuddle and making Cas as comfortable as possible to keep him put.

“I really should finish it, though,” he muttered, but seemed to succumb to Dean’s efforts.

“Geek,” Dean said fondly and changed the channel from Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman trying to pop popcorn in a bomb suit to a football game. 

“Wake me when you want to go to bed.”

“Why would I wake you only to try and fall asleep like two seconds later in another room?” Dean said with a questioning smile.

“Because if I fall asleep here, you won’t be able to get up,” he slurred.

“That’s kinda the whole point,” Dean noted and shuffled down even more so he was lying entirely on his back and with Cas draped along his side. He turned to his side so he could pull Cas close against his chest without crushing his injured arm. Castiel sighed contently and intertwined their legs, making them into a whole mess of limbs. 

“You’re better than any bed in the world,” Cas murmured sleepily and a wide smile spread across Dean’s face. He decided to turn the TV off completely and lay down with his forehead against Cas’, their noses bumping into each other and melted into the warmth and comfort of Cas’ body so close against his that they almost felt like one person. Cas wrapped his arms around him and held him even closer to him. They even shared each other’s breaths.

“Be here when I wake up,” Cas whispered. It sounded very dramatic, but Dean knew it meant ‘don’t go out to get us coffee before I’m up’.

“Sure,” he said quietly and stroked his nose against Cas’ cheek, making him stir and put a hand in Dean’s hair, pressing a sleepy kiss to his lips, before he settled with their foreheads together and hands on Dean’s back. A few minutes later he was asleep in Dean’s arms. Dean watched him sleep and felt him breathe calmly against his body. He stroked his hand through the dark hair and closed the one-inch distance between their mouths to kiss him again. Then he lay down and closed his eyes, feeling Cas’ breath’s on his cheek as he drifted off to sleep. 

\-------

A few weeks later Dean had been allowed to remove the stupid support sling. He was currently sitting at the kitchen table with the dark evening air outside and a half-finished coffee mug in from of him. Cas was sitting across the table, working as usual, with his nose in some papers, writing down drafts and diagrams on his iPad. They were moving towards the final phases on the project he’d working on for ages with a satellite called Advanced Composition Explorer that was gonna observe particles of solar, interplanetary, interstellar, and galactic origins, spanning the energy range from solar wind ions to galactic cosmic ray nuclei. Yeah, Dean didn’t really know what that meant either. It was basically a space weatherman that could warn about things that could overload power grits and be dangerous to astronauts and stuff like that. 

They’d been sitting there in silence for the last 20 minutes when a thought passed through Dean’s mind, like it had a few times over the years without him actually giving it too much attention, but now he actually felt brave enough to put words to it.

“Hey, Cas…?” 

“Mmm…?”

“How do you feel about marriage?”

There was a pause and then Cas’ head snapped up. 

“Marriage?”

“Yeah.” 

“Do you mean in general or… you and me?”

Dean felt his cheeks heat up and he looked down at the mug in his hands.

“Either one, I guess.”

“I, eh…” Cas said and put his pen down. He was silent for a few moments, licking his lips while he was thinking. “I believe I would agree to both.” 

Dean looked back up with a stunned smile.

“Really?” He’d half expected to sleep on the couch for the next couple of weeks from pure embarrassment. 

“Yes,” Cas said and quirked an amused eyebrow at him. “Why? Are you _asking_?”

“I just didn’t know how you looked on the matter,” Dean said to try and avoid a direct answer and felt his cheeks blush even deeper. When he looked back up again Cas was leaning his elbows on the table and linking his fingers together with a smile. 

“I’d love to marry you one day, Dean,” he said, abruptly honest, and Dean’s heart made a backflip/triple beat/stopped completely at the same time. “And I assume that, since you brought up the subject, you’re not against the idea of marriage either?” 

Dean felt incredibly awkward and happy at the same time, which made him fidget in his chair until he mentally smacked himself in the head. He was a 30 years old CIA-agent for fuck’s sake.

“No, can’t say I am,” he mumbled and got up from his chair, feeling like he was burning under Cas’ piercing eyes. “Although I think an actual proposal should be more proper than this.” Cas nodded behind him with an amused smile as he went to the sink and rinsed the cold coffee from his mug. When he turned back around he found himself crowded against the counter and caught between Cas’ arms. Cas put his hands on the counter behind Dean and his eyes gleamed with something Dean wasn’t entirely sure he’d ever seen before.

“Do you know what I really love?” Cas asked him.

“What?” Dean swallowed since his mouth was suddenly very dry.

“When you do something adorable and then freak out because you didn’t expect it to go well,” Cas said and Dean squirmed a bit, really unsure of where to aim his eyes. They dart up and down before they landed on Cas’, who smiled fondly at him. He swallowed again, not entirely liking how all light was suddenly on him, but then Cas wrapped his arms around his lower back and kissed him and everything felt very okay again. 

\-------

Just a few days later Dean’s phone was ringing in the middle of his lunch break.

“Winchester!” his boss Officer Elkins said. “Reilly’s got food poisoning so I need you to go on a routine control at NASA Goddard with Lowry this afternoon.”

“Goddard?” Dean said with a grin and swallowed the bacon sandwich he’d been chewing on. “Sure, I can do Goddard.”

“I figured you would,” Elkins said and Dean thought he sounded like he was smiling. Elkins hung up and Dean took another bite of his sandwich, feeling like this might be a quite good day.

Officer Lawry was a middle-aged woman with dark hair and long experience with the CIA. It was the second time Dean had worked with her during his years in the agency, so they could skip the whole introduction thing and go straight to business. A woman called Pond greeted them in the lobby and showed them around the facility. She was the project supervisor at Goddard and told them about their activities with ease, like she used to do these controls all the time. 

“And here are the monitor rooms,” she said and waved towards a couple of large control rooms with large screens. She opened the door to one of them to show them and Dean would be damned if he didn’t recognise that messy hair in front of one of the screens. His boyfriend was wearing a pair of black pants and a far too good-looking jacket, which sleeves he’d folded up on his arms, and was making the other’s in front of the screen look old and boring. The five scientists turned around in the middle of discussing a very colourful satellite picture and when Cas’ eyes fell on Dean they grew wide and a small smile appeared on his face.

“Dean,” he said and walked up to them. His eyes flickered between all three of them. “What are you doing here?”

“Just a standard procedure,” Dean said and wanted to lean in and kiss him, but that would be totally inappropriate, so he settled with staring into his eyes.

“I’m sorry, are you and Agent Winchester acquainted?” Pond asked Cas with casual interest and looked between the two of them. 

“Yes, he happens to be my partner.”

“Oh, I thought I recognised the name,” Pond said and looked Dean over again like it was the first time she really noticed him. “Well, we should move along,” she continued and held the door open.

“Do you mind if I have a word with… Agent Winchester?” Cas asked with an amused look in his eyes. “It will only take a minute.”

“I can catch up with you,” Dean said and Pond nodded politely, leading Lawry down the hallway towards another room.

“Do you have to work late tonight?” Cas asked when they were alone in the corridor and looked like he would almost start hopping in excitement. 

“No, don’t think so, why?” Dean said and laughed fondly at his weird boyfriend.

“Do you want to come and take a look at my satellite after work?” 

“That’s not code word for sex, right?” he said quietly, absolutely not able to let the opportunity pass. And yes, he had the ability be perfectly mature, thank you very much. Cas snorted at him and Dean chuckled. “Yeah, sure, that would be awesome.”

“Great!” Cas said enthusiastically. “Call me when you get off work and I’ll meet you at the lobby, okay?”

“Sure,” Dean said and after making sure the supervisor and Officer Lawry was nowhere in sight he leaned in and place a quick kiss on Cas’ mouth. His partner chuckled at him and walked inside the monitor room again.

\-------

When Dean walked into the NASA Goddard’s lobby again later that evening Cas was waiting for him, talking to the young man at the front desk. 

“So this is Dean?” the guy said when Cas pulled Dean towards him and put an arm around his waist. 

“Yes,” Cas said affectionately and nudged his nose against Dean’s cheek, making Dean feel a flutter in his stomach and a smile spread across his face. He was a bit unprepared for the amount of PDA, but hey, it was Cas who started it. “Dean, this is Sam, our latest intern.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Sam said and Cas blushed a little bit. 

“Really?” Dean replied and looked suspiciously at Cas. “Why, what has he told you?”

“Pretty much everything, since he never shuts up about you,” Sam chuckled and Cas squirmed a bit next to Dean.

“Okay, okay, stop it you two,” he said and led Dean towards an elevator.

“We should talk more some time,” Dean called over his shoulder to Sam, who gave him a thumbs up.

“No, you’re most definitely not,” Cas said under his breath and pushed the button on the elevator.

After walking through a billion locked doors and admiring how professional Cas looked when he put his card against all the panels and even left a couple of thumb prints (and how flawless he looked in his goddamn jacket made in heaven or something), they finally went through the last door and into a large factory area with the large satellite at the centre of it. 

Cas stopped by a white board full of equations and… stuff, starting to move a few things around and rewriting it, looking completely geeky and very hot.

Dean walked around the satellite, drinking in all the work and craftsmanship put into it. Maybe a car engine was pretty far from this beauty, but he could still see how most things were put together and man… he couldn’t believe Cas was one of those behind this. It looked really great. When he turned around to say so Cas had turned from the white board and was instead staring at him in complete awe with the whiteboard pen forgotten in his hand, and the words died on his tongue. 

“Marry me,” Cas whispered. Dean heart went up in his throat and his stomach fluttered like a swarm of butterflies had decided to go into battle there.

“I thought we said more proper,” was all he managed to get out, trying to hide how his heart was beating like he was having a stroke and his chest was clutching and just holy crap.

“Okay,” Cas said and fell down on one knee, putting the pen in his pocket and took Dean’s hands in his. Dean thought he was going to die. “Dean Winchester, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else and I promise to love you for the rest of my days. Will you do me the honour of becoming my husband?”

Dean was seriously close to passing out now, feeling like a complete girl, but still not enough to care because of the huge wave of love and affection and happiness that seemed to fill his body like the freaking sun. 

“Yes,” he said, embarrassed when his voice cracked. “I mean, yeah. Yes. Of course. Oh, just get the fuck up.” 

Cas chuckled at him as he let himself be dragged up to his feet. Then his eye went wide and he stared at Dean in horror.

“What, what’s happened?” Dean asked worriedly. 

“I don’t have a ring,” Cas said and looked alarmed. “This was supposed to be good!” He sounded so upset and looked so damn cute that Dean just couldn’t help but laugh at him and pull him in to a hug. 

“Don’t worry, man, it was awesome.” He pressed a kiss on Cas’ grumpy lips. “Seriously,” he said and stroked Cas hair, “it was perfect.”

Cas gave him a small smile, although he still looked a bit disappointed at himself.

\-------

Cas had been beating himself up for days about the lack of that stupid ring at the spontaneous proposal, so after they had had breakfast on a Saturday morning, Dean pulled him with him to a jeweller. Dean would have to go to the office afterwards to sort out some old reports (thanks a lot, Charlie), so he was all dressed up in his work suit with Cas tagging behind him in a pair of black jeans and one of Dean’s plaid shirts. Dean thought it should be illegal to look that hot so early in the morning. 

There was a nice older woman with white hair behind the counter and she greeted them cheerfully when they walked in.

“Hello, boys!” she said and gave them a big, warm, apple-pie smile. “What can I help you with?”

“We’re looking for wedding rings,” Dean said. He smiled as charmingly as he could and leaned against the counter. Cas hovered somewhere behind him, looking around him, and seemed to be a bit out of place.

“Oh, really?” the lady said and clasped her hand together, looking somewhat ecstatic. “For you and your partner there I suppose?”

Cas eyes landed on the two of them for the first time, looking from the lady to Dean. Dean reached for his wrist and pulled him to him, putting an arm around his stiff shoulders.

“Yep, finally tying the knot,” he said cheerfully, because it was kinda hilarious that Cas got so awkward the minute they walked into a jewellery shop to actually buy those freaking wedding rings. 

“How lovely!” the lady said. “May I ask; which one of you proposed?”

“He did,” Dean said with a big smile at Cas who frowned at him. “Down on one knee and everything!”

Cas looked like he wanted to punch him, so Dean just kissed his nose and hoped he wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch tonight. This had been Cas’ idea anyway.

The lady looked like she was going to fall over in excitement and pulled out tray after tray after tray with different rings. Dean instantly crossed out all the golden ones and started to scan over the two trays with silver rings with Cas looking over his shoulder. His partner snorted quietly and pushed away one of the trays with the more decorated rings. Dean’s eyes fell on a smooth and plain ring in deep-looking silver. He picked it up and felt Cas lean closer against his back. He turned to look at him and Cas’ eyes met his before he nodded slowly and Dean turned back towards the lady.

“This one, please, two copies,” he said and the lady beamed at them. 

“How lovely! Would you like to have something engraved?” 

Dean turned back to Cas’, who looked at him and shrugged.

“A date perhaps?” the lady suggested.

“We haven’t decided on one yet,” Cas said, eyes still locked on Dean’s.

“Oh. Well, names then?” she tried again.

Cas made a ‘sure’-face and broke the eye contact that been going on the last whole minute to lean against Dean’s shoulder instead.

“Yeah, we can do names,” Dean told the lady, flashing his most charming smile again. She flushed happily and dug around behind the counter for a paper for them to fill in, leaving them alone for a couple of minutes.

“How should we do this?” Dean asked with a pen in hand, leaning over the form. 

“No idea,” Cas said and sighed. “I believe we should have planned this better.”

“Come on, man, you’ve been going on about a ring for days,” Dean complained and Cas looked hesitant. “Look, we could just leave again if you want to.”

“No, I want us to have rings,” Cas assured him and kissed his cheek. “I’m just…”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said and turned back to the paper. He stopped for a moment before he looked at Cas again. “Are we gonna change our last names?” he asked. Cas looked a bit uncertain.

“I… was planning on keeping mine,” he said and almost looked apologetic.

“Well, perfect,” Dean said. “Cause I don’t really wanna change mine either.”

“You don’t like my last name?” Cas teased him.

“I love your last name and you know it,” Dean said and tickled Cas in the side, making him squirm with a small laughter. “But I’m too much of a Winchester to ever get out.”

“Well, I like you as a Winchester,” Cas said and put his hands in his back pockets.

Dean smiled and turned back to the form once again. He wrote ‘Castiel Novak’ on the engraving line for his ring and ‘Dean Winchester’ on Cas’, along with the year on both of them, because he was pretty certain they would go through with it within the next 9 months. 

“Good?” he asked and Cas nodded, swallowing, and when his eyes flashed up at Dean’s they were filled with affection. He smiled and Dean’s lips tugged up too, because Cas looked happy and it made Dean so fucking overjoyed. He kissed Cas’ lips gently, lingering just a little bit.

“We’re getting married,” he murmured and Cas was glowing at him.

“Yeah,” he breathed and laughed quietly. 

The lady returned and Dean pushed the form towards her, thanked her and left the shop with Cas under his arm.

Dean stopped outside, in front of his business car, and Cas leaned against the hood, folding his arms over his chest. 

“This suddenly feels a lot more official,” he stated. Dean leaned against him and put his hands on his waist. 

“I think it’s awesome,” he grinned and Cas’ lips twitched. 

“I suppose that’s one way of putting it.” He tied Dean’s tie around his fingers and pulled him down, lightly brushing his lips over his. He paused half an inch away from pressing their mouths together, exhaling slowly. Dean tried to lean in, but was stopped by Cas’ hands on his chest.

“Fucking tease,” he mumbled and Cas started smirking. The guy had some serious dominance issues. Not that Dean usually minded, but now it was getting really hot inside that suit of his and he would have to go to work in it too, so he gripped Cas’ hands and pinned them down on the car instead, holding them there. Cas’ eyes flickered up to his again before Dean finally leaned in and just claimed that mouth like it was his constitutional right. Which he supposed it kind of was soon enough anyway. He was vaguely aware of the fact that he was a grown man making out with another grown man against a federal vehicle in the middle of a public parking lot, but so what? He was allowed to kiss his own freaking husband-to-be, for crying out loud. 

He pulled away when he was getting way too hot in that jacket, pulled it off his shoulders and looked at the watch. 

“Damn it,” he mumbled when he realised he’d have to leave now if he didn’t want to waste the entire day inside the office. “I have to get going.”

“But things were just getting so much better,” Cas said mischievously and let his eyes wander over Dean’s torso. Dean snorted and threw the jacked on the hood to put his hands on Cas’ shoulders and massage them gently. 

“I’ll be home in a few hours if you want to pick this up later.” He winked at him, fully aware of how cheesy he looked.

“You bet I do,” Castiel said and traced his tongue over Dean’s jawline, like he hadn’t caused enough trouble as it was. 

“Cas…” Dean breathed as he felt an alarmingly amount of blood starting to go downstairs. “Cas, stop it, I don’t want to go to work with a hard-on.”

“Don’t look so hot in that suit then,” Cas hummed, like the little devil he was. Dean leaned over him, putting his hands on the hood.

“Careful, Novak, or you might regret it later,” he said in a low-pitched voice and Cas’ breath actually sped up. Dean gave him a quick kiss and pulled him off the car before he got into the front set, Cas getting in on the other side. When he pulled up outside their house to drop Cas off, his boyfriend slid towards him, pushed their lips together, not even letting Dean breathe. Dean was seriously gonna get a problematic boner soon, so he forced Cas down into his seat again. 

“If you won’t be able to behave, then I will cuff you,” he threatened and Cas’ eyes went wide. 

“Yes, please,” he breathed and Dean’s brain just decided to leave the building entirely. Needless to say, he didn’t manage to get to the office without stumbling inside with Cas pressed against him first, kissing him fiercely. He didn’t have even close to enough patience to make it to the bedroom, so he just ended up pushing Cas down on the kitchen table and ripping his clothes off him. Cas moaned loudly and the sounds themselves were enough to get Dean unbearably close as he pushed inside him, his suit on the floor around he feet. 

“Fuck!” he stuttered and came with a gasp and a cry. He felt Cas coming against his stomach, which only intensified his own orgasm, making him whimper. He supported himself on his arms on the table, breathing like he’d been running a freaking marathon and with Cas’ legs around his waist. “Fuck, I love you, Castiel.”

Cas chuckled underneath him, pulling his hands though his own dark hair.

“I’d expect nothing less from my own husband-to-be.” 

Dean’s heart swelled and warmed up and almost felt too large for his chest to contain.

“Thank you,” he said and nudged his nose against Cas’ collarbones.

“For what?”

“For being the most awesome fiancé ever.” He finally pulled out and cleaned them off. 

When he went back to put his clothes back on, Cas had propped himself up on his elbows and watched him closely. 

“I can’t wait to take that suit off you again,” he murmured and tilted his head. 

“I’m starting to think I should buy you jewellery more often,” Dean chuckled and tucked his shirt into his pants. He kissed Cas on that dark, messy head and let his fingers trace down his naked chest as he walked out again and got into his car to finally get that report done.

\-------

The new case was a stressing Dean out. They’d been on their feet for weeks, chasing down the potential members of a terrorist group and had next to no sleep at all. They’d managed to pressure one of the seized members enough to make him spill the location where there was a bomb in the making, so Dean and two other agents had had to rush there and kick down door after door until they found six guys inside the bedroom of the suspected house. The idiots had actually thought they could take down three armed agents, which evolved into a brute fistfight that did not end in Dean’s favour. Finally all six of them were on the floor and cuffed. Dean put his gun back into the holster and wiped away the blood running from his nose.

After they’d taken the felonies into custody, Dean was finally able to go home. He got in the black and sleek fed car and stiffly drove out of the garage and out on the road. He had to take it very slowly because pretty much every muscle in his body protested with each move. He drove up to the driveway and shut the engine off. He felt like 100 years old when he opened the door and painfully got out and walked up the porch. He pushed the door shut and sighed. He just let his bag drop to the floor before he slowly walked into the living room and pretty much collapsed on the couch with a groan. God, he wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to stand up again. His whole body seemed to be throbbing and he could still taste blood in his mouth. Maybe he could just sleep here, sitting up, until the pain went away.

There were footsteps coming down the stairs and they paused in the hallway before they started coming towards him.

“Dean?” Cas said and came into Dean’s line of vision. He was too tired to even turn his head.

“Hey, babe,” he mumbled and slowly rubbed his forehead. He was pretty sure he looked like crap.

“Oh, god, what happened to you?” Cas said and crouched before him. 

“We found the nest,” he answered and tried to put on a smile, but it most likely just turned into a pained face.

Cas leaned in close and studied his face. It hurt when he put his fingers on Dean’s skin, so he probably had some pretty bad bruises there. Along with the rest of his body, considering how it felt.

“Wait here,” Cas said and got up. Dean wanted to call ‘it’s not like I have anywhere else to be’ after him, but that would actually take effort so. No. 

Cas returned with a cloth, some hot water and a few painkillers. Dean swallowed the pills eagerly and sighed deeply. Cas moved to sit next to him on the couch and wash the blood off his face. 

“I’m going to have to take your jacket off,” he murmured and carefully tugged it off Dean’s shoulders, taking the badge out and putting it on the coffee table. He released him off his gun too, and put it down next to the CIA badge. It felt a bit weird to see Cas handle Dean’s work items, and it wasn’t entirely legal, but he really didn’t have enough energy to care. Cas unbuttoned his shirt and pushed that off him too. Dean winced when the shirt tugged at his arms. 

“Do you think anything’s broken? And don’t lie to me,” he added when Dean first tried to open his mouth. 

“No,” he muttered. “Probably just some muscle damage and some strains.”

“Just some strains…” Cas quoted him with a very unimpressed look on his face. He’d cleaned Dean’s face and lifted his chin up, making him wince again, and pulled out some patches from his back pocket to put on the cuts on his face. He silently got up again and this time he returned with ice wrapped in a towel. Dean stretched out a weak arm to take it from his, but he held it out of his reach and sat down close to him, pressing it gently against his cheek with his mouth in a thin line. During his first years working for the CIA Dean had always complained when Cas wanted to take care of him whenever he came home bloody or bruised. It made him feel weak and incapable of taking care of himself, which would have been ridiculous considering everything he’d been through. But Cas would get that hurt look in his eyes whenever Dean got annoyed with him for wanting to care for him and even bring up how Dean took care of him for weeks after he’d been shot and he’d sit there with those stupid blue puppy eyes until Dean melted with guilt and allowed him to mother him anyway. 

“I know you want to say something, so just spit it out already,” Dean sighed. 

“No, I don’t.”

“Then why do you look like someone pissed in your cornflakes?”

Cas removed the ice to frown at him. 

“I just hate seeing you like this. Is that so hard to understand?”

There was a moment of silence.

“No, I suppose not,” Dean sighed. Cas put the ice back. Dean sort of wished Cas wouldn’t be so afraid of leaning against him. He wasn’t made of glass for Christ’s sake. “Can’t you come closer?” he murmured and closed his eyes. The ice on the swelling felt so relieving and he felt even more tired than before.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Cas responded. 

“Maybe I’m hurting if you aren’t near me,” Dean said and was perfectly aware of how he sounded like a 14-year-old girl, thank you very much. Cas laughed gently and Dean felt his warm shoulder touch his and how he put his free hand on Dean’s stomach. 

“Better?” he asked with an amused undertone.

“Considerably,” Dean said and leaned closer to him. Cas pressed a kiss to his temple.

“How bad was the other guy?” he joked and Dean almost laughed, but his chest protested. “Do you think you will be able to come upstairs?” 

“No, I’ll just stay here,” he murmured and slowly lay down on the couch. Every muscle in his body seemed to relax (the best they could anyway) and oh man, that was good. 

“I’ll get you a blanket,” Cas said and hurried out the room again. Dean had almost dozed off when he came back and threw their white, fluffy comforter over him. He let his hand linger on Dean’s wrist with his fingers over his pulse point. 

“Stay,” Dean mumbled.

“I think we both know that I would just end up lying all over you,” Cas said softly.

“Dsn’t matter.”

Cas just huffed tenderly. 

“Sleep tight, love,” he whispered and disappeared up the stairs again, turning off all the light as he went. 

Dean lay in that almost-slumbering state for at least ten minutes. He wasn’t gonna lie; it felt lonely knowing Cas was upstairs, undoubtedly in that nest of spare blankets, while he was down here by himself. Was it so strange he missed that stupid weight on his chest after he’d been beaten half to death? Dean sighed deeply and put a hand over his eyes, like he could force sleep to take him. It was really frustrating and he felt pathetic. 

He lay there for at least 20 more minutes, feeling grumpy and avoided touching the deserted feeling in his chest with a ten-foot pole. Then he heard soft steps coming down the stairs again and two seconds later Cas slipped in next to him in the couch, lying on his side. The couch was very broad and could easily fit in two grown men - Dean had made very sure of that when they bought it - if you just scuffled around a bit.

“Back again?” Dean mumbled and smiled when he felt Cas’ hand come to rest softly on his stomach.

“I couldn’t fall asleep,” Cas muttered. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Dean hummed and pulled the front of Cas’ t-shirt (an old Metallica one he’d nicked from Dean) to make him come closer. “I couldn’t fall asleep either.”

“We’re pretty tragic, aren’t we?” Cas chuckled quietly.

“Shut up, that’s my fiancé you’re talking ‘bout,” Dean smirked groggily and sighed in satisfaction when Cas’ forehead came to rest against his temple. Dean turned his pounding head towards Cas so that their foreheads lay together and before even a whole minute had passed, he was fast asleep.

\-------

The next morning he woke up with a fever. Seriously, a fever. He hadn’t had one of those in years, for which he totally thanked lots of exercise and the amount of meat he consumed whenever he could. He’d even had a fever dream, which was what woke him up in the first place. It’d been completely horrible; he’d been chasing a lizard, because for some reason it was very important that he caught it or else a psychopathic ghost would kill the entire White House, where dream Sam was handing out flyers at the very moment and was therefore in terrible danger, and then the lizard was Cas and he’d had red eyes and a weird-looking sword that reminded of the blade on a guillotine and he’d said something really strange like ‘everyone’s dead because of you’ and ‘we run the show now’ and then he’d cut the blade-sword across his whole chest, making it dig into his ribcage and then Dean woke up panting and sweating and almost knocking Cas off the couch. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he babbled as he shoved his hands all over Cas’ torso to really make sure there wasn’t a six-inch deep cut there and when he found that there wasn’t he sighed with relief and pressed kisses across Cas’ whole chest.

“Dean- what- god, you’re burning!” Cas pushed a hand onto his forehead. He rushed from the couch, leaving Dean’s arms hanging in the air from where he’d been reaching after him, and pushed a thermometer into Dean’s mouth when he came back, tapping his fingers impatiently against the armrest. Dean was very pleased to see that his eyes were deep blue like they should be instead of that terrifying red he’d seen in his dream. The second the thermometer beeped Cas snatched it out of his mouth and frowned at it with a dissatisfied hum. 

“I should take you to the hospital,” he said with that serious face he used whenever pushy cult members were standing on their doorstep and tried to explain the word of God to him. Which was completely ridiculous, considering that his father had taught him everything there was to know about religion since before he could walk. 

“I don’t need to go to the fucking hospital,” Dean protested. Cas’ stare bored right into his soul and shook his head.

“If your temperature hasn’t declined until this afternoon, I’m taking you there, even if I have to force you,” he said and raised his eyebrows, glaring stubbornly at Dean until he nodded with a grunt. 

He spent the rest of the day on the couch, nodding off now and then. He had a couple a more dreams, both even more twisted than the first one and the last one was Afghanistan mixed with some sick version of ‘A nightmare on Elm Street’ and he jerked awake and bolted out the front door - Cas shouting ‘Dean!’ after him - and collapsed against the wall outside and hyperventilated with his head on his knees that he tightly pulled against his chest with his arms. 

The door was thrown open again and then Dean felt hands on his shoulders. He couldn’t hear a word Cas was saying though, because his pulse drummed in his entire head and all he could focus on was the rapid breaths he had no control over. The dream flashed inside his head and he felt like he would pass out any second, when he heard a voice penetrating his panicking mind.

“Dean! Dean, concentrate on me, come on, look at me!”

He felt confused when strong fingers brushed his face and he opened his eyes to be overwhelmed by blue. 

Blue. Blue was safe. Blue meant he wasn’t fighting for his life right now. Blue was… Cas. 

His partners upset face came into focus and his breathing started to calm down, even though he still had adrenaline pumping through his blood like it was on fire. 

“Cas,” he said and his throat felt tight. Cas exhaled and let his head fall down on Dean’s knee. When he lifted it again he moved slowly around Dean, like he was a frightened animal ready to bolt. He sat down on his heels and watched him anxiously, still clutching a spoon in his hand. 

“Cas…” Dean said again and felt like he was going to start crying from the shock wearing off. 

“It’s ok, Dean, you’re safe,” Cas mumbled and nudged his nose against his temple. Dean released his death grip around his knees and moved his arms to pull Cas into his lap, gripping to him like he would disappear if he didn’t. Cas let himself be held, stroking Dean’s neck and whispering words to comfort him. His raspy cheek brushed over Dean’s and Dean pushed desperate lips against his jaw. Eventually he’d calmed down and lifted his head from where he’d been resting it against Cas’ strong shoulder. 

“Do you want to come inside again?” Cas asked him quietly.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean breathed and let Cas pull him up. His legs were still weak from the fever and Cas supported most of his weight and put him on the couch. He put the thermometer in Dean’s mouth again and hummed after it’d beeped.

“Your temperature has dropped to normal,” he announced quietly.

“Good,” Dean said without much conviction. 

“You should eat something.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Dean.”

“Oh, goddammit… fine,” he muttered and took the soup Cas put in his hands. His partner sat down at the other end of the couch and opened a book while Dean reluctantly ate and if he put his feet in Cas’ lap just to bother him, then that’s no one else’s’ goddamn business. He still ate the entire bowl of soup though.

“Do you think June would be too soon?” Cas asked absently out of nowhere.

“Too soon for what?” 

“Getting married,” Cas said and smiled adorably at him. Dean felt all his grumpiness pour right out of him.

“We can get married today for all I’m concerned,” he grinned. Cas smiled his small, half-shy smile and Dean couldn’t do anything else but stare at him with a stupid grin on his face. He edged closer to Cas until he could throw a stiff leg over his thighs and sat down, leaning closer. Cas still had the book in his hands and held it close to his chest when Dean leaned in and kissed him, stroking his raspy jaw with his thumb. Cas hummed against his mouth and traced his tongue along Dean’s lips, begging for entrance. Dean opened his mouth and moaned when Cas’ tongue stroked against his own and it was sloppy and freaking wonderful. Dean felt warm all over the he broke the kiss and looked down into Cas’ eyes. 

“I just realised we haven’t planned anything at all about the wedding,” he said and sat back on Cas’ thighs. 

“Do you have any specific requirements?” 

“Well, I’d have to invite Bobby and Sammy would probably kill me if I didn’t invite them too,” Dean thought out loud. Cas nodded.

“I would have to invite my family as well.”

“And maybe some guys from work.”

“And definitely Missouri.”

They looked at each other for a moment.

“We don’t have to send out those ugly ass wedding cards, do we?” Dean asked and made a face.

“I thought it would have been sufficient with an e-mail,” Cas said with large eyes and damn, if Dean didn’t love him more than ever right now. “Does this mean we have to have a ceremony too? And… vows?” he said and looked anxious. “Because I really don’t want to do vows.”

“God, you’re adorable,” Dean murmured and bent down to kiss him.

“I am not!” Cas snorted, but met the kiss anyway. “But… we do enough vows as it is, don’t we? I mean, we say I love you all the time and I have no uncertainties about your reasons for marrying me and-“

“Jesus, calm down,” Dean chuckled. “I don’t want to do vows either.”

Cas looked relieved.

“Let me get my iPad,” he said and pushed on Dean’s chest.

“Make me,” he grinned and Cas rolled his eyes before he simply flipped him off his lap, slapping his ass before he left the room, and Dean groaned when his muscles started to complain again. He made a mental note not to challenge his boyfriend again when he was stronger for once. He pushed himself up to lean his back against the armrest and when Castiel returned he moved to sit at the other end of the couch, but Dean grabbed his wrist and pulled him down between his drawn up knees.

“I’m not that fragile, dammit,” he muttered and Cas gave him a searching once-over before he settled with his back against Dean chest, making him hum contently. 

“So…” Cas said and opened an app on the iPad where you could make notes and diagrams and calculations and it could probably make you coffee too if you asked it. “What do we require for a wedding?” 

He hovered with his fingers over the note sheet. There was a long silence.

“We’re gonna have the worst wedding ever, aren’t we?” Dean chuckled.

“Yes, most likely,” Cas laughed and let his head fall back on Dean’s shoulder. “Maybe we should just elope.” 

“Yeah, that does sound tempting…” Dean said and started to stroke Cas’ collarbone with his thumb, resting his palm on his chest. “But I still want to marry you properly, you know.” Cas smiled and Dean could feel his pulse beat faster underneath his fingers. 

“You still have no idea what you do to me, do you?” he hummed and put his hand on top of Dean’s, where it was pressed over his heart with a sense a sanctity. 

“What do I do to you?” he said with a crooked smile and lifted his eyebrow. Cas huffed a laugh. 

“You’ve made me feel safe and happy from the day I met you, which I didn’t expect to ever be possible after my mother died and our unstable upbringing and especially not after I got abused by someone I trusted, you make me feel like I’m healing, and you make my heart beat faster because of small, ordinary things you do ever day, like when you drink your coffee in the morning with that sleepy smile on your face or when you come home from work and kiss me like you’ve been longing for it all day and right now, you also make me want to rip your clothes off so I get to hear those involuntary sounds you make when you are really turned on,” he said and smirked. Dean was completely dumbstruck. 

“Are you sure you shouldn’t do vows?” he was all he could think of to say.

“Shut up,” Cas murmured with a blushing creeping up his cheeks and tried to hide a small smile. Dean didn’t know how to reply, so he hugged his arms around Cas’ chest and pulled him against his torso, breathing in the smell of his hair and loved how it tickled his nose. He kissed him behind his ear, as tenderly and affectingly as he could, moving down his neck and clutching to the front of his shirt, hoping that Cas would get the message he couldn’t put words on.

“I love you too,” Cas murmured and Dean felt a smile spread on his face. “We’re going to need suits,” he continued and wrote that on the iPad.

“And pick a courthouse,” Dean helped.

“And plan a reception.”

“A reception?” Dean protested. 

“Our families will be travelling across several states. Of course we need a reception.”

“Can’t we just go for a burger?” Dean chuckled.

“Why don’t we make burgers?” 

Dean felt himself smile even more.

“This is exactly why I’m marrying you.”

“Because I’ll make you burgers?” Cas snorted.

“No, because you’re a genius,” Dean teased and pinched him in the side.

“So you’re marrying me for my brain?” 

“Yeah, and some other parts,” Dean said and trailed his fingers downwards. Cas put a hand on his wrist and kept it from moving too low.

“You’re such a pervert,” he said. “And you are still injured.”

“So, what, you’re cutting off sex now too?” Dean said and tried to sound wounded. Cas just shook his head.

“Speaking of sex, are we going on a honeymoon?” he said casually like he was talking about the weather forecast and Dean started laughing, because Jesus Christ. 

“I don’t know,” he chuckled. “Do you want to?”

“I don’t know.” 

“Okay, dude, I’m sorry, but we suck at this,” Dean said and Cas started laughing too. 

“Unfortunately, yes,” he said and put down the iPad. “Perhaps we should ask someone for help. How about Sam?”

“No fucking way!” Dean objected. “Although I could always call Charlie.”

“And I’m sure Missouri would love to help too,” Cas said and started fingering on the bracelet around his wrist. 

“Hey, dude, guess what?” Dean whispered conspiratorially and started massaging Cas shoulders.

“What?” he whispered back.

“We’re actually getting married,” he hummed and a big smile spread across Cas’ face. 

“Yes, we are,” he said and turned around, placing his hands on either side of Dean’s head and kissed him, accidentally dragging his hips against Dean’s crotch. Well… probably accidentally. Except that he kind of kept moving over him, making Dean gasp into his mouth.

“Fuck, Cas, I thought you said no sex,” he moaned as he felt himself getting harder. 

“We’re not having sex,” Cas said simply.

“So, what, you’re gonna dry hump me to death?” He gripped Cas’ hips hard and felt his breathing catching up.

“I’m planning to, yes,” Cas said with a grin.

“Oh, you son of a bitch,” Dean groaned, because there was no doubt whatsoever that Cas would actually be able to make him come in his pants. He’d done it before, that sly bastard, in slow traffic jams and when he got bored from watching TV.

And sure enough, after just a few minutes of rubbing them against each other and exhaling hot breaths into Dean’s mouth, whispering small, sinful things in his ear he had Dean tipping over, mind going blank and he shut his eyes hard, moaning Cas’ name. When he came down to earth again, Cas had collapsed on top of him, sweaty and panting hard. 

“Damn,” was all Dean could gather enough mind power to say and Cas laughed against his neck. Dean pulled Cas’ sweaty t-shirt off and hummed contently when he felt the flushing skin against his chest. It felt like security and home. He traced the wings on his shoulder blade with his fingers and ignored his aching muscles, feeling too sleepy to even think about getting up to shower or change pants. 

“Dean, flip us over,” Cas murmured. It took a moment for Dean’s brain to register that he was being spoken to, but he shuffled them around so he was lying on top of Cas instead. His bruises already hurt much less.

“You’re such a fucking angel,” he slurred and felt Cas laugh silently underneath him.

“You are too,” he whispered just before Dean fell asleep on his shoulder.

\-------

“You should totally try on this one too,” Charlie said enthusiastically and shoved another suit in Dean’s arms. He’d called her and asked to her to help them out with getting the stuff they needed to get married - aka shopping, god help us all - although he wasn’t sure flower-shaped outdoor lanterns and a tablecloth for 75 bucks was really necessary. But at least she was better than Sammy.

“I don’t think it’s essential to-“ Cas started, but she just interrupted him by pushing them both towards the fitting rooms. “I am not trying on all of these,” he hissed quietly at Dean.

“Just take the one you like best,” Dean murmured back under his breath.

“You two complain too much!” Charlie told them, thankfully oblivious to their little pact. “You’re taking the fun out of it.”

“You mean taking your fun out of it,” Dean muttered.

“Exactly,” she said and shut the curtain behind her. 

Dean started so slowly put on the least fancy suit. He was used to wearing suits to work, but this was just too much. 

“Hey, Cas?” he whispered towards the small wall that separated them.

“Yeah?” 

“I’m starting to warm up to the idea of eloping anyway.”

Cas chortled quietly from the other side. 

“You’re the one who invited her to help,” he reminded him. 

“Yeah, and you know you shouldn’t ever listen to anything I say.”

“Does that mean I can finally buy us a new kitchen table?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that table!” Dean objected. “Just imagine all the times I’ve made you climax on that thing.”

Cas made a horrified sound on the other side.

“You’re outrageous!” he hissed and Dean grinned, because he knew he had that amused smile on his face, even if he pretended to be mad. 

Dean did the final button on the jacket and stepped outside. Charlie looked up from a magazine from where she was sitting on a chair and made a dissatisfied face.

“Why did you have to pick the most boring one?” she complained.

“It’s either this one or my leather jacket and a t-shirt,” Dean said firmly and Charlie shook her head with a small smile.

“They really are a bit luxurious,” Cas voice came from behind Dean and he turned around and oh, man. 

“Well, look at you,” he said with a cheesy smile. Cas’ suit was dark grey and it fit him like a freaking glove, bringing out the lighter blue streaks in his eyes and made them look like there were shining. He had skipped the tie, just like Dean had, and kept the collar unbuttoned. They weren’t going to the freaking president, for crying out loud. 

Cas’ eyes wandered over Dean and his almost-black suit (he didn’t want it to remind too much of the blue he usually wore to work), drinking him in. 

“I’m starting to think we should have done this sooner,” he said and Dean felt the stupid smile on his face widen. 

“I told you I was good,” Charlie said from behind them. 

“Charlie, cover your eyes,” Dean said with his eyes glued to Cas and he took a step towards him, putting his hands on his hair and leaned in to kiss him, angling his head to stroke their tongues against each other. Cas made a small noise in the back of his throat. 

“Get a room, you guys!” Charlie called behind them and was hiding behind the magazine when Dean turned to look at her. “You told me you were big on the PDA, but this is just too much!”

“He told you that?” Cas said with a blush on his cheeks and looked at Dean.

“He’s told me pretty much everything,” Charlie told him and got up from the chair. “Never able to shut up about you, this one. Is it really true you still have his bracelet from when you moved to university?”

Cas looked surprised, but pulled up his sleeve to show it to her. She gasped excitedly and walked towards him, totally ignoring Dean’s attempts to make them stop with the sharing, because this was getting pretty awkward.

“Wow, that is so romantic,” she purred. “And is it true he still gets you your super weird coffee order whenever you’ve had a fight? And that he stares at you all the time because he’s drowning in your, and I quote; ‘ridiculously baby blue eyes’?”

Cas started laughing and Dean dived between them before he got the chance to answer.

“How about we two change out of these suit and you go someplace else, huh?” he said and nudged Charlie away from the changing rooms. 

“You’re such a bore,” she told him and mouthed “we’ll continue this later” to Cas, who nodded conspiratorially. Dean gave him a warning glare before he stepped into the fitting room and closed the curtain. 

\-------

When Dean and Cas were walking towards the Impala later with five bags of stuff Charlie thought was completely vital for a wedding, Cas stopped dead in the middle of a stride and went completely white.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked and his hand instinctively went to his gun.

“Nothing…” Cas said absently. “Nothing, I just thought I saw someone.”

He kept staring towards the other side of the parking lot like he’d seen a ghost and ignored Dean when he pulled on his arm to try and get his attention. 

“Eh, dude, you’re kinda freaking me out here,” Dean said and looked in the direction Cas was staring. 

“It’s nothing,” Cas said and snapped out of his trance, putting on a quick and very unconvincing smile. “Let’s just go home, okay?”

\-------

Cas had completely refused to talk to Dean about what happened on the parking lot for the rest of the day - which only made Dean warning triggers go of even more - busying himself with whatever he could find to avoid him and even postponing coming to bed by shutting himself in the study/library/whatever crap Cas owned-room to try and work himself unconscious. Eventually Dean had grown tired of the bullshitting and stomped downstairs - only to find him almost nodding off in his chair - slammed his laptop shut and dragged him up to bed despite his protests. 

When he kept being more or less introvert for days, Dean was starting to seriously worry. He tried to bring it up a couple of times, but every time Castiel just pulled away even more and shut himself in the study. The guy used to work a lot before, but this was just weird. When he got home evening, working late, and found Cas completely lifeless on the kitchen table with the laptop and a hoard of papers in front of him, Dean decided that enough was enough. He had to shake Cas’ shoulder numerous times before he stirred and blinked tiredly up at Dean. He looked bloody damn awful. 

“Oh,” he said.

“Dude, you’re going to kill yourself if you keep working like this,” Dean said and sat down on the chair next to him. 

“I’m fine,” he muttered and rubbed his eyes.

“Don’t lie to me. You’ve been acting odd ever since the day we got wedding stuff with Charlie.”

“Dean, just leave it.”

“No, I won’t leave it,” he said and felt frustrated. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

“Because there’s nothing to tell! I’m fine!”

“Don’t pull that crap on me, man! You think I can’t tell when something’s off?”

Castiel set his eyes firmly on Dean and stared at him, apparently refusing to say another word. Dean just sighed hopelessly.

“All I’m saying is that I’m concerned about you,” he said slowly, emphasising the words with his hands. “You’re behaving way too much like you do when something awful has happened and it worries me sick.”

Cas eyes turned into looking pained and saddened and he sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he said and seemed to shrink in size. “I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“So you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s…” Cas sighed again. “I just… thought I saw Lucifer… in the parking lot. And then again outside Goddard.” Dean stared at him.

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“I thought I was imagining it.”

“Why did you think you had to carry that weight all by yourself?” Dean asked and rubbed a hand over his face.

“I didn’t want to make you upset without a proper reason.”

“But, Cas… It’s me! We’re family! I need you to tell me these things, even if they turn out to be nothing.”

Cas lifted his blue eyes to Dean, who tried to see what was going on inside that head of his. 

“I guess I got scared,” he said quietly and turned his eyes towards the table instead, resting his elbows on the surface and leaning his head in his hands. “I didn’t want you to get hurt again because of what happened in high school. It should have been forgotten long ago.” 

Dean felt an aching longing to comfort him, so he reached across his chair and pulled him against his chest, holding him tight.

“You don’t have to be scared,” he told him. “You’re not alone.” He pulled back a little to look him in the eye. “I’ll check some records, all right? See if I can find anything and if I do, he’s gonna be very sorry he ever messed with the guy whose future husband-to-be turned out to work for the CIA. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Cas said and gave him a small smile. “Thank you for transferring to my school 11 years ago.”

“Thank you for having your locker next to mine,” Dean replied and smiled affectionately. 

\-------

Dean was woken in the early hours the next morning by a fierce and sudden movement next to him and in that half-asleep state he instinctively reached for his gun and almost aimed it at the object causing the movement until he realised that it was Cas, who was sitting up and panting with tears running down his face and now also looking terrified with his eyes glued on Dean’s gun. He almost threw the gun on the nightstand like it’s burned him and gripped Cas’ arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Dean murmured and tried to keep Cas still as he had almost sprinted up from the bed and away from Dean. “I’m so, so sorry, please, calm down.”

Cas’ attempts to pull away grew weaker, but he still stared at Dean like a deer in flashing headlights. 

“Please, Cas, it’s okay, I’m sorry,” Dean kept repeating without knowing what was coming out of his mouth. Cas allowed him to pull him back into the bed and was still crying quietly. Dean felt completely horrible for scaring him when he was already so upset and a large lump grew in his throat as he held on to Cas’ arms and stroked them soothingly. 

“I’m really, really sorry,” he said again and Cas’ nodded, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “Nightmare?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Cas breathed and reached out for Dean, pulling him close to his chest and Dean gripped him just as tightly as he sobbed against his shoulder. Dean kissed his hair and rubbed gentle circles on his back until he stopped shaking.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No… no, I just… no,” Cas mumbled. He took a trembling breath. 

“It’s okay,” Dean said for the billionth time. He lay back down against the pillow and Cas followed him, curling up in Dean’s arms. He was staring right in front of him and Dean stroked his wet cheeks, trying to make him relax, but it didn’t seem possible. Eventually his breathing steadied and Dean couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, so he slowly drifted off to sleep.

When Dean woke again later that morning, the sun was pouring in through the window. Cas was curled away from him and Dean felt an unjustified sting in his chest.

“You awake?” he slurred and put a hand on Cas’ shoulder.

“Mm?” he said with a voice more raspy that usual and turned to his back. “Oh. Yes.”

He looked sleep-deprived and quite frankly, damn horrible.

“You couldn’t fall asleep again, could you?” Dean asked and rubbed his eyes.

“No,” he sighed.

“All right,” Dean said and got up from the bed, pulling his pants from yesterday on and a t-shirt, putting the gun in the waistband. Cas’ eyes followed it closely as he picked it up and tucked it away, putting a plaid shirt over the whole ensemble. 

“Where are you going?” Cas asked and pressed a hand against his undoubtedly aching forehead.

“Coffee!” Dean called over his shoulder as he rushed down the stairs. 

When he got back with three lattes and two muffins Cas was still in bed, nestled underneath a mountain of fluffy comforter. Dean put the breakfast on the table, along with his gun and badge, and sat down on the bed, shaking the solid form inside the comforter. He pulled it down and was met by Cas’ tired and indifferent eyes.

“Rise and shine,” he said and Cas glared at him. He got cranky when he didn’t get enough sleep. Dean put a coffee in his outstretched hand and Cas sat up and took a big sip. Dean went downstairs again with his latte and muffin and started on the washing up from yesterday. Cas came downstairs 30 minutes later with what must’ve been his second latte, putting an arm around Dean’s waist and placing small kisses on his shoulder. At least he didn’t look like he was dying anymore.

Missouri came by by lunchtime to help with the final planning and preparation, since it was only one week left until they were going to get hitched, although the planning had been entirely Cas’ idea. Dean would have much rather just made it up as they went, but that wasn’t even an option. 

“I thought I told you to take good care of him,” Missouri scolded Dean with a warning finger waving in front of his face when she put eyes on the zombie that was Dean’s fiancé.

“It’s not Dean’s fault. I’ve just had a lot of work to do,” Cas defended him, and Dean’s heart warmed up a little. 

“M-hm,” Missouri said and didn’t sound very convinced. “I still expect you to do something about it, Dean, because he sure can’t get married looking like that.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said and gave Cas a scanning once-over. “I’m gonna handle it.”

“I’m not helpless or incapable of taking care of myself,” he muttered under his breath. 

“Whatever you say, sweetheart,” Missouri said and Cas rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna rush over to my house for those cake-dishes,” she continued and helped herself out. 

Dean instantly seized the moment to go up to a pouting Cas and put his hands on his hips and putting kisses on his cheeks until he started smiling. 

A couple of days later Dean still hadn’t found a single thing about Lucifer that would indicate that he would cause them any problems. The only things he found were a list of crimes he’d been arrested or convicted for during the past years, most of them connected to smuggling, and also his real name and other personal records. These things were nothing Cas didn’t already know, of course, and Lucifer was currently in jail in Alabama, so Dean decided that they had no reason to worry. Cas had been so relieved he’d thrown himself in Dean’s arms and insisted they’d go out for a burger. 

\-------

Suddenly it was the night before the wedding and Dean had a real hard time falling asleep, because he was fucking freaking out. Holy shit, what were they doing? Or more like holy whit, what was Cas doing? Seriously, he was going to promise before court and family and freaking God or something to be with Dean forever and no one stayed with Dean forever. It just didn’t happen. Why would they? He’d messed up from before he could remember, failing pretty much everyone and then he found this angel who for some reason decided he was worth getting to know and then take beatings and a fucking bullet for and what had Dean done? He’d gone out to a war. Left, knowing he might get killed, almost did, keeping Cas home on his toes for more than two years, causing them both so much pain, as well as the rest of his family, and for what? A hero complex? Wanting to save someone after failing so many? And what had actually happened? More killing and blood and suffering. And like that wasn’t enough he’d been selfish enough to go and become a federal agent, just to risk his life a little bit more. Damn, he needed therapy or something. This couldn’t be normal.

Dean put his hands over his face where he lay in bed next to Cas. God, his own mind was driving him crazy and at the worst timing too. What was he supposed to do now? They were going to be married within hours and Cas seemed as cool as ever, completely confident that Dean wouldn’t just go and crush him one day. He was a fed for fuck’s sake. The risk of getting killed was just a normal day at the office, literarily, and what if he actually got killed? What would Cas do? Would it be worse to loose a husband than a boyfriend or a partner? It probably would, although he didn’t quite know why. 

He let out a long sigh into his hands, feeling so damn hopeless when Cas turned around, half asleep, and put an arm around his waist, cuddling closer and curled up against his side, looking so small and beautiful and precious. And Dean realised that he didn’t want to think about all those things right now, because at that moment he was completely happy with Cas curling towards him in his sleep and just the two of them in a little perfect sanctuary of harmony after everything they’d been through and had still stayed together, still loving each other. Dean pushed back a few tears and put his arm around Cas’ shoulders, holding him close as he finally drifted off to sleep too. 

 

\-------

Dean woke up to Cas stroking his hair and the smell of pancakes. When he opened his eyes he was met by the sight of his almost husband sitting with his legs crossed in in the middle of the large bed, his hair wet from showering and a tray standing on the nightstand. Dean scratched his forehead and almost asked what the occasion was before he remembered two seconds later exactly what the occasion was. Cas handed him a plate of perfect-looking pancakes and a cup of coffee. They ate in silence - because what do you talk about a few hours before you’re getting married? - before Cas took the empty plaits and mugs downstairs to wash them up while Dean got in the shower.

When they were getting ready, Cas hunching over his bag on the floor in his extremely good-looking suit, Dean caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. The ugly scar on his shoulder, the tattoo as a reminder of his dead parents and simply himself. And god, he hated what he saw, because all he could see was damaged written in capital letters. He froze there in front of the glass, his shirt in his hands and felt his chest tighten, all the thoughts from last night returning like a hurricane. The fact remained that he was still messed up from the war, probably would always be, and messed up from a broken home. He thought of his Dad leaving him more often than not to try and take care of Sammy alone, how everyone just seemed to be meant to leave him, sooner or later, and Cas was going to commit himself to him for life. Even though they’d been together for more than ten years, Dean still had that escape plan for Cas in the far back of his unconscious, still aware somewhere deep inside that someday Cas would find better and want to get out. Cas was making the biggest mistake in his life and he wasn’t even realising it.

“Cas?” Dean said and his throat felt tight.

“Yes?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“What?”

“I said why are you doing this?” 

Cas turned around on his toes, still hunched over.

“Do you mean marrying you?”

“Mm.”

“Because I love you.”

He stood up with a worried complexion and walked up to where Dean was standing by the mirror. He put his hand on Dean’s shoulder and made him turn around and look at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“You shouldn’t do this. You deserve way more than someone who’s just fucked up and you’re making a mistake and one day you’re gonna realise that and you’re gonna want to leave.”

“Dean, nothing about you is a mistake,” Cas said and gripped his shoulders. “Marrying you is the best decision I’ve made since I decided to walk you to your classroom first day in school.”

“But Cas, I’m not whole. You should marry someone amazing, someone who doesn’t let you worry all the time and isn’t so selfish or broken or-“

“Dean, do I look whole to you?” Cas interrupted and sounded a bit distraught. “Listen to me; you are more than amazing. You are brave and caring and loyal and you’ve made me feel more safe and loved than anyone else have ever even managed to get close to. I want to marry you, I want to be with you for my entire life and nothing, nothing is going to change that.” 

Dean looked up at him and tried to swallow away the lump that’d suddenly appeared in his throat. The blue eyes where focusing on him with a hint of fear and Dean hated himself for making Cas worry on their freaking wedding day.

“Sorry.”

Cas looked very unpleased.

“If you apologise one more time you’re sleeping on the couch for a month,” he threatened.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Dean mumbled, not able to let it go just yet.

“Good thing you didn’t then,” Cas said and smiled. “But, Dean, in all seriousness, don’t ever doubt how much I love you and want to stay with you. I won’t leave, ever. I thought we’d been through this already.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean smiled and his chest felt lighter, “I just still can’t believe what I did to deserve you.”

“Oh, come on, you saved my life, stupid,” Cas hummed and rested his forehead against Dean. He smelled like Armani and tea and the shampoo Dean used to buy. After a few heartbeats he went to pick up his bag and Dean finished getting dressed. 

Just as they were about to head out of the bedroom and down the stairs, Dean pulled Cas to a halt. Cas’ hair looked far too well ordered, so he ran his fingers through it, making it look messy with that ‘I just had sex’-hint it was supposed to have. Cas chuckled at him, pulled him in close by the front of his suit jacket and kissed him hard.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Dean said and pulled away. “I thought we said no kisses before the wedding?”

“I’m not sure I can resist,” Cas hummed and licked his lips. 

“Well, to hell with it then,” Dean grinned and leaned in again, putting his hands on Cas’ chest and pushing him up against the wall. Cas’ moaned into his mouth, putting his hands on Dean’s jaw and licking into his mouth. Dean wasn’t able to think at all anymore, his hands wandering all over Cas’ chest down to his hips and he squeezed them, pressing close.

“Dean… Dean, stop,” Cas panted and put a hand behind his neck, leaning their foreheads together and breathing hard with a big smile on his face and flushed cheeks. “I’m not going to put this suit on one more time, so unless you want to get married naked, we’ll have to stop now.”

“Naked sounds pretty good to me though,” Dean leered and quirked an eyebrow. Cas snickered and kissed him one more time, slowly and affectionately and when he looked up again he was smiling at him with his entire body.

\-------

They took the Impala to the courthouse, obviously, and just sat there next to each other in suits and with Metallica playing in the background. Sam, the little bitch, had used the car the day before, so when Dean turned the ignition ‘Scream and shout’ came blasting through the entire car (and probably the entire neighbourhood too). Dean almost choked in his hurry to change channel, because not only was it a horrible song, it also didn’t help with the ‘we’re not gonna have sex’-agreement. Cas had turned to the window and tried to hide the mayor fit of laughter he was having. At least the incident had chased away all possible nervousness from the situation.

Castiel spent the first few miles staring out the window, lost in thoughts, before he moved closer to Dean and rested his head on his shoulder and a hand on his leg, sighing contently. They didn’t talk during the drive, Dean focusing on the road, feeling extremely comfy. When he pulled up outside the courthouse, they paused before they got out of the car, just looking at each other, speaking wordlessly. Finally Cas smiled and squeezed his hand. He got out and left Dean sitting there by himself for a moment. Holy shit, this was it. He wasn’t having second thoughts or anything, but still. Shit. 

Dean brushed a hand over his jaw and got out, taking in a deep breath of fresh summer air. Cas was leaning against the stone balusters by the stairs, waiting for him. Dean walked up to him, put a hand on his side - on top of the old bullet wound by habit - and gave him a swift kiss. He heard someone calling behind him and saw Balthazar, Gabriel and Anna walking towards them. Gabriel practically threw himself on Cas, going on and on about he never thought his baby bro would be the second to get married. Gabe himself had already gone through both marriage and divorce already. Balthazar slapped Cas’ ass and hung on to him with Anna right next to him, trying to make Cas presentable, fixing his collar and trying to sort out his hair. Dean would just have to make it look right again later.

He heard steps behind them again and this time it was his own family walking up to them along with Missouri - Sam with his arm around Jessica and holding Emily’s small hand in his and Bobby next to them. Dean hugged them all and when he turned back to Cas he burst out in laughter, because the poor guy almost look like he was about to panic with all his siblings fighting and clinging onto him. 

“Okay, break it up you guys,” Dean said and pulled Cas free from his family. “I know he’s irresistible, but we kinda have somewhere to be.”

The others started walking up the stairs, talking loudly, and Dean took a moment to run his hands through Cas’ hair again, erasing all evidence of Anna’s attempts to make it lay straight. Cas grinned up at him, blue eyes glimmering, and Dean bent down and gently pushed their lips together. Someone slapped him on the back, making him turn around.

“No touchy feely until after the wedding you two!” Gabriel proclaimed and pushed them up the stairs. Dean slid his fingers between Cas’ and saw him smile out of the corner of his eye.

\-------

The judge went on forever, talking about bonds and until death and all that shit (like they didn’t already know that) instead of just signing the fucking marriage application. Dean was starting to get impatient, not to mention how hot it was inside with this suit on and how awkward he was starting to feel with the whole room of waiting couples watching. He could practically feel Sam’s teary stare in his neck too. Bitch.

He huffed irritably, wishing this old dude would just hurry up already. Cas managed to make things far more interesting though. He slid his fingers inside Dean’s sleeve, stroking his pulse point and when Dean turned his head a bit and met his eyes, Cas slowly licked his lips before biting down and threw him a teasing look. Dean felt a grin spread over his face and almost missed to say ‘Yes’ and push the ring onto Cas’ finger. When the judge finally reached the ‘by the power vested in me by the State of Maryland I now pronounce you married’ and ‘you may kiss’ Dean didn’t have to be told twice. He gripped the front of Cas collar and pulled him in, pressing their lips together and putting a hand on the back of his neck. Cas responded just as eagerly, gripping the front of his suit jacket and angling their heads, getting in deeper. Someone catcalled behind them but Dean so didn’t care one fucking bit, because he was currently making out with his husband for the first time. When they pulled apart Cas positively beamed up at him and Dean did absolutely not tear up. 

He didn’t remember if there’d been clapping and shit, because he was way too busy drowning in his husband’s eyes, but suddenly they were all standing outside again. Cas’ silver ring gleamed in the afternoon light and Dean couldn’t tear his eyes away from it. He discreetly brushed his thumbs over his own ring. It felt a bit strange to have it there, but it felt oddly like home and he hadn’t been happier before in his life so it didn’t matter if he had to get used to a bit of metal on his finger. There was loads of hugging - the only one he remembered though was Sammy who mumbled a ‘I’m really happy for you, bro’ in his ear - and then they were all going back to Dean and Cas’ house for some sort of mini-reception with co-workers and a few more friends coming over for a BBQ (Dean had very much not forgotten that Cas had promised to make burgers) and loads of pie. Dean had been busy for days, preparing and making like eight different pies, with Cas helping him from time to time. Dean had been absolutely thrilled, especially since Castiel didn’t seem to be able to avoid getting flour in his hair and all over his shirt, so Dean just used it as an excuse to get him half-naked in the kitchen. Being completely naked would apparently be unsanitary while there was cooking going on. 

When Dean and Cas were back in the front seat of the Impala, watching the other three cars back out and disappear down the road they just sat there for a while, breathing in the silence. 

“Son of a bitch…” Dean mumbled with non-belief and Cas started laughing, putting his hands over his face and Dean couldn’t help but start laughing too, feeling so blissful and ecstatic that it almost didn’t seem true. “Dude, I’m not dreaming am I?”

“No,” Cas chortled, “no, definitely not.” He wiped tears from his eyes and yelped when Dean snaked an arm around him and heaved him closer.

“Did I ever tell you how hot you look in that suit?” Dean said with a low voice and Cas blushed.

“Well, you’re not too bad yourself,” he smiled sneakily and fingered on the collar of Dean’s jacket. “But no matter how arousing the suit is, I still can’t wait to get it off you.” He cupped Dean’s cheek with a hand and leaned in, devastatingly slowly, breathing over Dean’s lips for a good 10 second, which may not sound like much but it felt like ages, before he kissed him. 

“D’you think we’d get arrested if we had sex outside the courthouse?” Dean asked, half serious, and Cas started laughing again, putting his head on Dean’s shoulder and his arm around his neck.

“God, Dean, how will I ever deserve you?”

“Don’t worry,” Dean said and lifted his chin up so the blue, smiling eyes met his green. “Just keep up the baking and that won’t be a problem.” 

Cas snorted at him and punched his chest, which shouldn’t have been even close to as hot as it was. Dean put a hand on Cas’ leg and pulled him even closer.

“How about we make a little detour on the way home, huh?”

Cas grinned and sneaked his lovely, slim hand up the inside of Dean’s thigh.

“That sounds excellent, honey,” he purred and Dean gulped and tried really hard to fight the erection in his pants. Cas, being the evil little bastard that he was, just chuckled at him and removed his hand, making sure to drag it as much as possible over Dean’s crotch on his way. 

“Jesus, Cas, you’re gonna make me come in my pants,” he muttered and earned himself a small laugh and a nudge of Cas’ nose on his neck. 

“Don’t be so tempting then,” Cas whispered back in that low whiskey-and-sex-voice and Dean decided not to push it any longer and just get the hell away from here to somewhere more private. 

Dean made it to a small, sheltered road at the side of the highway before Cas was becoming completely unbearable with slow strokes of tongue and nibbles at his neck and the second he turned off the engine Cas pushed him down in his seat, pulled down his pants and took him in his mouth. Obviously it didn’t take very long until Dean was gasping one last time with stars dancing pretty much everywhere. He was panting heavily when he came around again, saw Cas bent over him with a large smirk and blown pupils and Dean decided it was time to return the favour. 

Dean loved him when he had him like this. The way Cas’ hands grasped his shoulders when he was getting really close as if he thought he’d tumble off the planet if he didn’t hold on to him and the way his head fell back and his eyes fell shut with groans escaping his mouth that where only ever meant for Dean every time he felt a stroke of Dean’s tongue and suddenly he fell right over with a cry of Dean’s name and he was beautiful. 

Dean swallowed and pushed himself up so he was at the same level as Cas when he was starting to come down again from the orgasm, stroking his hair and looking into his blue eyes as they slowly blinked up at him. 

“Hey, beautiful,” he said and beamed down at him.

“Hello,” he answered gently.

“Do you think they’re missing us yet?”

“Probably. Gabriel is going to be insufferable.”

Dean chuckled and felt so incredibly happy.

“I wish we could stay like this forever,” he mumbled and stroked their noses together. Right on cue Dean’s phone started ringing and Dean pulled it out if his pocket and lay back down against Cas’ chest as he picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Dean…” Sam said hesitantly. “We’re eh… kind of wondering where you guys went.”

“We just had to stay behind to sort out some marital issues. Cas was kinda giving me a mouthful,” he smirked, earing him shocked hiss from Cas and a punch on the shoulder.

“Yeah, sure…” Sam said slowly and sounded weird. “You should probably hurry up though, because people are starting to get here and I think Rufus and Balthazar might kill each other any second.”

“Yeah, okay, we’ll be there soon,” Dean chuckled and hung up on his brother. “We have to hit the road,” he sighed and leaned his forehead against Cas’ breastbone. He trailed small kisses there and Cas exhaled contently, when suddenly Cas’ cell started ringing too. When he picked up Gabriel’s voice came so loudly through the phone even Dean could hear him clear as day.

“Hey, Cassie, we accidentally put lighter fluid on you electric grill, but it seems to be working anyway and also we’re borrowing your laptop for a while!” He hung up before Cas even had a chance to answer and Cas looked at Dean with big eyes and pushed him off him, mumbling ‘go, go, go!’ while he hurried to put his suit back together.

\-------

As it turned out, Gabriel had just been messing with them about the grill to make them get there faster, although he had in fact borrowed Cas’ laptop to put on some Dean/Castiel slideshow and had even managed to hack the password (Dean seriously suspected Charlie, who avoided to look at him). Cas had furiously snatched it from him and stomped back inside to change the login and hide it somewhere safe. Dean had quickly handed over the responsibility for the grill to Bobby and hurried inside after his husband to kiss his frowning face until he was grinning against his lips again.

Dean lost count of how many people had come and gone during the afternoon to congratulate them somewhere around 40. He didn’t even know they knew that many people, although most of them were work related. Even Benny from Dean’s squad in South Asia showed up. Dean had called him on pure impulse, not even knowing if he was in the country or out somewhere fighting (or even alive), but it turned out he was down in Florida on a leave for a couple of weeks. He had pulled Dean into a rib-crushing hug when he first saw him and Dean got a strange bittersweet feeling in his stomach. 

“Cas, this is Benny,” he introduced him when they came to a halt in front of his partner. “Benny - my husband.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Castiel,” Benny said and shook his hand. “Dean’s told me a lot about you.”

“Yes, he’s told me about you too,” Cas said and smiled politely. It felt extremely bizarre to 1. See Benny in civilian clothes in the middle of Dean’s backyard and 2. See him and Cas together. It was like two completely different worlds collided right in front of Dean’s eyes and he had to excuse himself to walk inside to the kitchen because it was getting a bit hard to breathe. He put his hands against the counter and tried to inhale and exhale slowly through his nose.

“Dean?” came Sam’s voice from behind him. “Hey, are you okay, man?”

“Yeah, I’m just fine,” Dean said and kept focusing on breathing calmly. “Just, you know… got a bit dizzy.”

“Yeah, figures,” Sam said and leaned next to him. Dean wasn’t sure if Sam was talking about the wedding in general or if he’d seen Cas and Benny meet, but he didn’t ask either. It didn’t seem very important. 

“I’m just gonna… go upstairs for a second,” Dean said when the urge to hyperventilate didn’t go away and he tried to walk past Sam looking as composed and non-freaking-out as possible. 

He shut the door to the bedroom behind him and sat down on the edge of the bed, resting his head in his hands, telling himself firmly that he was NOT going to have a panic attack on his wedding day. After a while there was a soft knock on the door. 

“Dean…?” 

When he heard that it was Cas who was coming inside and gently closing the door behind him, he didn’t even bother to look up. 

“Are you all right?” Cas asked and kneeled in front of him.

“Yeah, you know, just… loosing it a little,” Dean said and laughed tensely. “You should go back outside in case anyone misses us.”

“I hardly think so,” Cas said with a bitter tone that made Dean look up. “Balthazar has taken up telling everyone stories about when we first met.”

“Seriously?”

“I’m afraid so. They’re not likely to be very close to the truth either.”

Dean laughed a little and felt the anxiety gradually pour out of him, like it used to when Cas was around.

“Thanks, angel,” he mumbled and flashed him a small smile. Cas smiled back and pushed his fingers through his hair, gently tugging at it. He’d undone a few buttons in his shirt and Dean bent down to trace the tip of his tongue over the small hallow at the base of his throat, putting a hand on his neck. Cas sighed against him.

“You don’t think we have time to consummate our marriage right now, do you?” he hummed, his throat vibrating against Dean’s mouth. Dean grunted in surprise.

“Someone’s eager,” he grinned and Cas’ eyes followed him as he sat up more straight again.

“Have you looked at yourself today? I should be presented with an award for being able to stay away at all.”

There was another knock on the door.

“Eh… guys?” Sam called from the other side. “It is… safe to… open the door?”

Dean started laughing and Cas smiled as he got up to pull the door open. Sam looked tremendously relieved to see that they were both still fully dressed.

“Great!” he said and looked awkward, pulling his hand through his long, princess hair. 

“Do you want anything specific or did you just feel like being a cock blocker?” Dean asked and Sam’s eyes widened in a mix between a bitch face and looking really uncomfortable. Cas sent Dean an unimpressed look, but Dean just grinned because it was way too much fun to tease his little brother for him to stop. 

“Someone’s taken out the cake,” Sam said and huffed around.

“Cake?” Cas asked, looking confused. “We didn’t buy a cake.”

“Cas made pie,” Dean told his brother proudly. 

“Yeah, great,” Sam said. “I think the CIA got it for you.”

Cas’ eyebrows went into his hairline as he turned to look at Dean.

“Hey, I don’t know any more than you do!” he defended himself and got off the bed. “Do we have to cut it in front of everyone?” he asked Sam.

“Yeah, it’s out in the yard already.”

“Well,” Dean sighed, “this definitely won’t be awkward.”

They followed Sam downstairs, and indeed, there was a white two-floor cake in the middle of their backyard, with people standing around it and looking expectantly at it. 

“If you abandon me here in the middle of all these people, I’m getting a divorce,” Cas threatened under his breath and Dean couldn’t help the stupid smile that spread across his face. 

“Same here,” he mumbled back and nodded politely at the people staring at him. 

Anna handed them a knife and Dean went up to the cake, pausing for a second. Were they supposed to cut it together in that disgustingly romantic way everyone did in movies? Were they supposed to feed each other? In front of like 35 people? In the end he just decided that screw everyone and cut a piece, handing it to Cas who lingered for a moment with an ill-behaved look in his eyes, before he picked it up with his hand and shoved it right in Dean’s face. Everyone started laughing like crazy and Dean gasped and swallowed the cake that’d gotten into his mouth. 

“Oh, you little…” he growled and grabbed a handful of cake, pushing it into Cas’ face and holding him still as he smeared it all over his cheeks and in his hair. Cas laughed and spitted cake out and tried to push him away. Several cameras flashed around them, but Dean didn’t care. Finally Cas just gave up on his struggles as Dean wiped the rest of the buttercream off on Cas’ shirt. He leaned in and licked off a bit of cake on Cas’ jaw before he kissed him on the mouth, tasting vanilla and sugar on his lips.

People started clapping and Dean felt himself blushing because yeah, this was still pretty awkward. When everyone around them moved in to get a piece of the partly ruined cake and all the pies they’d made, his husband pulled him a few feet away from the crowd. He traced a finger down Dean’s cheek and licked the cake off his finger. Dean stared at him like he’d been hypnotised. 

“It’s good,” he casually and smiled his small, half-shy smile.

“I bet it’s even better naked,” Dean smirked and Cas huffed out a surprised laughter. He traced another finger down Dean’s face, but Dean put his hand around his wrist before he got to lick it off. He put Cas’ finger in his mouth and slowly sucked it clean, swirling his tongue around it. Cas’ eyes widened and he gulped. 

“Would it be rude to throw everyone out yet?” he asked quietly and his eyes gleamed at Dean.

“You’re so impatient,” he snorted, getting a punch on the shoulder.

“And you’re a fucking tease,” Cas shot back. They stared at each other for a few moments, the air almost quivering with the tension between them.

“If they’re not gone in 20 I’m bringing out my gun,” Dean said and Cas nodded eagerly and smiled. Dean suddenly felt so in love and fucking unbelievably happy and he put his hands in Cas’ chaotic hair and pulled his face towards him, kissing him deeply and closing his eyes hard with the aching tenderness roaring inside him.

“I love you, man,” he breathed and Cas gripped his shoulders, holding him hard and close.

“I love you too, Dean, love you so much.”

Someone snapped a picture and they both jerked away, looking startled at whoever held that camera.

“Oh, come on, don’t stop now!” Gabriel complained. “It was so revoltingly cute!”

“Gabriel, you’re disgusting,” Cas said low and irritated. Gabe just shrugged and moved along.

“Keep it clean, kids!” he threw over his shoulder before he disappeared amongst all the people.

“Would you be terribly upset if I arrested your brother?” Dean muttered and Cas snorted.

“Be my guest,” he said watched Gabriel walk away before he turned back to Dean. “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get a new shirt.” He gave Dean a meaningful look before he started walking towards the house.

“Yeah, good idea,” Dean said and set off after him. 

\-------

“I always knew you were going to get married,” Becky told Cas sternly after the two of them went back out again with clean shirts (and a few hickeys underneath). Dean was almost worried about her breaking his husband’s wrists considering how tightly she gripped them. Chuck stood next to Dean and witnessed the possible assault and he shook his head as she continued. “Castiel. My fanfic readers need to know. Is Dean secretly a sub?”

Dean choked on his beer.

“You write those creepy ass stories about us?” he coughed out, but Cas and Becky didn’t listen.

“What do you mean secretly?” Cas asked. “Do people assume that I am?” Dean could not believe what he was hearing.

“He does have the advantage of being taller than you and he’s also a CIA agent. That’s hard to compete with.”

“But-“ Cas started, but Dean went between then, because what the fuck?

“Okay, break it up you two!” he said with a strained smile and shoved Cas discretely in the stomach, making him huff. “What the fuck was that about?” he hissed when Chuck put a hand on Becky’s back and steered her away. Cas opened his mouth to answer but a small voice interfered.

“Uncle Cas?”

They both looked down to see Emily standing between them in her purple, sparkly dress. Cas crouched down.

“Yes?”

“Are you and Uncle Dean going to hell?” she said and looked frightened.

“Why would we be going to hell?” Cas asked and tilted his head.

“A boy in my school says God get’s mad when two men marry each other,” she said in that small, well-articulated voice of hers. Dean totally blamed Cas for making her sound like a tiny 30-yearold.

“We’re not going to hell,” Cas assured her. “God doesn’t care about gender when it comes to marriage and there’s nothing wrong with two men or two women being in love.”

“But if we were going to hell, at least we’d be going together,” Dean said with a grin and patted Cas’ back roughly. 

“Okay,” Emily said. “Can I have some cake now?”

“Sure, princess,” Dean said and let her climb up on his back. He made sure to fill her plate with every kind of food he could find, before Sam would turn up and complain about healthy eating. The kid needed to grow for fuck’s sake.

When they went to sit at the long table next to some hydrangea bushes that refused to die - even if Dean tried his best to make them - Dean felt his chest starting to tighten again and he put Emily down in Cas’ lap. She ate with her entire face, bless her, and Cas made very sure to point out how she looked so much like her dear uncle. He kept a reassuring hand on Dean’s knee the entire time though, like he could feel him tensing up.

After that everyone started leaving one by one, congratulating them and wishing them the best of luck and hugging and kissing and the whole shebang. Last out were Sam and Jessica, who both hugged them tightly - well, Jessica tried, with that growing stomach of hers - and then she kissed them on the cheeks. Emily waved eagerly at them and called back ‘bye, guys!’ when they walked towards their car. Dean and Cas was standing on the driveway and watched them leave. The house behind them had gone from being noisy and lively for several hours to completely quiet. 

Cas started walking back towards the house but before he reached the doorway, Dean threw his arms around him and hauled him onto his shoulder.

“Dean!” Cas protested as he hung down Dean’s back.

“Told you you wouldn’t get any closer to bridal style,” he said and Cas started laughing.

“Oh, you devious man,” he huffed.

“Your devious man,” Dean corrected him and carried him all the way inside and up the stairs. 

“If you believe a few romantic remarks are going to make you get away with manhandling me, you are very much mistaken,” Cas threatened with a breathy voice an inch away from Dean’s face when he put him down. His hair was still sticky and chaotic from having cake in it and his eyes glimmered at him, like Dean was the most fantastic thing he’d ever seen. Dean felt his chest tighten, but for very different reasons than earlier, and with a rush of lust in his stomach and gripped Cas’ waist and slammed him against a wall, forcing his lips open and licking into his mouth like his life depended on it. Cas whimpered loudly and clutched Dean’s shirt, ripping it off him and pushing their hips together. Dean gasped into his mouth and felt himself getting really hard already, all that infinite sexual tension leaking out and exploding between them. Cas groaned out his name and, man, Dean was already getting close. Cas pushed him down on the bed, straddled him and kept rubbing their hips together as he tore the rest of their clothes off, breathing hard when they were skin to skin. He reached over and pulled out a tube of lube from their bedside table and started working Dean open. Dean fought the orgasm as hard as he could when Cas kept hitting his prostate over and over again. 

“Cas…” he groaned and the fingers inside him stilled, Cas panting hard like he was forcing himself not to come, and god, it was hot. He put on some lube with long strokes.

“Fuck, Cas, fuck…” Dean moaned, because he was so painfully hard and he didn’t know how long he would be able to hold it together anymore.

Cas’ breath caught and he placed himself between Dean’s thigh and locked eyes with him before he slowly pushed in. Dean gasped and couldn’t think anymore, couldn’t breath, couldn’t see with that orgasm pushing on the edge of his senses. Cas was panting hard in his ear and then he came and it was the final drop for Dean and he felt like he exploded with the power of the orgasm. 

\-------

They decided to just go to New York for a weekend as their honeymoon. Yeah, it was probably really boring, but neither of them felt like they could skip work, Dean dearly didn’t want to fly anywhere (it was less than a 4 hours drive for fuck’s sake, of course they’d take Dean’s baby) and they had their entire life ahead of them to see whatever freaking part of the world they wanted. So New York it is. 

Dean had woken up the day after the they’d gotten married to the bright sunlight pouring through the window and with Cas on his chest. Their hands had been intertwined and their rings gleamed in the vivid light. He’d sneaked out to make a quick drive over to the closest Starbucks, getting them coffee and breakfast and managed to get back just before Cas woke up. He’d sat up in the bed with the comforter pulled around him and sipped on his coffee with that ridiculously endearing bedhead of his and Dean had just sat there next to him, staring at him and holding a forgotten muffin, like the love-struck idiot he was. 

So right now they were on the road, only a few miles away from central New York and Dean was already getting grumpy about had bad the traffic was gonna get. The Impala was a pretty voluminous girl and she needed her space, which was not likely to happen in the big city. 

“Dean, it doesn’t matter if we’re being delayed, it’s not like we have an appointment anywhere,” Cas hummed with his eyes closed and leaning against the window. 

“Still a freaking pain in the ass,” Dean muttered and felt cranky. He gazed out at the silhouettes of the city and even though he’d seen it a ton of times before though work trips, he still thought it looked pretty amazing.

\-------

The last night of the honeymoon Balthazar had insisted they’d all go out to a bar together, since he lived in New York and new all the best places and since Anna was staying at his apartment before she would have to go back to Italy. Dean had decided to call Sam and get him and Jessica to come along too, but it ended up just being Sam since Jessica was starting to feel like a planet and wanted to stay at home and look after Emily. His brother was staying at the same hotel as them for one night and he had offered to stay sober and drive them to the bar in case the two of them wanted to drink. Dean was kinda grateful his baby would have to stand outside a bar all alone somewhere in the huge city.

Balthazar had rolled up to the bar on a of the black and bronze Harley Davidson Softail with Anna on the pillion. It was a kinda shady-looking place, but not as awful as Dean had thought and hey, they had pool tables. Balthazar bought them all a huge amount of shots, drinking most of them himself, while Dean and Cas stood sipping on a beer instead. Dean watched Castiel and allowed himself to get lost in the way he looked in one of Dean’s t-shirts and a pair of trousers; how his fingers slowly caressed the neck of the bottle and how the weird light reflected in his hair and on his wedding ring. Balthazar, Anna and Sam wandered off to play some pool while Dean and Cas leaned against the bar next to each other, looking out over the bar and Dean stroking lightly over Cas’ fingers that was hanging by his thigh.

“Hey, gorgeous,” came a voice from the other side of Cas and when both him and Dean turned to look there was a woman sliding up way too close to Cas’ side with a dark red dress that made in impossible for anyone not to notice her big boobs. “Can I get you a drink?”

“No, thank you,” Cas answered indifferently and turned away from her. Most people would have taken the hint, by apparently this one really had her mind set on Dean’s husband as her hand went up his arm and turned him back towards her, leaning even closer to him and Dean had to use all his willpower not to snap at her and throw her out himself, like the overprotective fed husband he actually was.

“Don’t be like that,” she purred. “You have the most sweet-looking lips I have ever seen and I can’t wait to have them all over me.”

Dean felt anger and jealousy curl up inside him like a huge freaking scorching dragon, because who the fuck was she to even dare hit on his partner? He glared at her, fisting his hands, but she didn’t even notice him. Cas looked close to scandalised. 

“I’m married,” he said firmly and lifted up his hand to flash her his ring.

“Well, I don’t see your pretty little wife anywhere around here, so maybe you could make an exception just for tonight.” Oh, HELL NO.

The woman’s fingers moved up to tug at his ring like she wanted to take it off him and Cas snapped his hand away and instinctively took a step back towards Dean, who put an arm around his waist and made very sure to let his gun flash from underneath his jacket.

“Perhaps you should take it a bit easy with the cheating propaganda when his husband is standing right next to him,” he snarled and she actually looked a bit scared.

“Oh… I didn’t realise…”

“Damn straight you didn’t realise, and maybe you should leave people the fuck alone when they’re not interested.” He stared her down like some of the worst interrogation subjects he’d had to deal with and wished he could set her on fire with his eyes alone.

The woman pushed her lips together and strode off, swinging her hips repulsively. Dean still felt like he’d swallowed a meteor and desperately wanted to punch something. Cas pushed his ring back firmly on his finger and twirled it around a few times, like it would run away if he didn’t secure it properly. 

“I can’t believe she almost took my ring off…” he murmured to himself.

Dean kept glaring at the woman’s back - and at everyone else who would dare throw an eye at Cas - before she disappeared into the lady’s room. Yeah, good move, bitch. 

“Dean, it’s ok, you can let go now,” Cas said when Dean’s arm didn’t move one inch from him. Dean reluctantly eased his grip around his waist.

“Stupid fucking slut,” Dean muttered and turned back to the bar. Cas looked at him like he was trying really hard not to smile. “What?”

Cas raised his hands and leaned next to him.

“Nothing, nothing… You’re just very endearing when you get jealous.”

“Should have put her into custody…” Dean mumbled to himself, because he really didn’t want to comment on that statement right now while he was still seeing red. Cas raised his eyebrows questioningly. “At least I didn’t shoot her!” he said defensively and Cas actually chuckled at him. 

“Could you be a little more possessive?” he said with a crooked grin and shoved Dean with his shoulder.

“You get pretty damn intimidating yourself when you’re jealous,” Dean muttered and felt like 10 years old. 

“Except that I don’t actually carry a gun,” Cas said amusedly and crossed his arms over his chest, spinning his wedding ring around his finger. Dean started to finger on his own too, feeling the body warm, smooth silver underneath his fingers. Cas reached out and intertwined their fingers, making their rings click together and Dean felt all warm and comfy inside. He looked fondly at the beautiful man next to him and felt incredibly grateful. He massaged Cas’ smooth palm with his thumb and they fell into a relaxing silence, just looking into each other’s eyes.

“Cassie!” Balthazar called and came up behind Cas, throwing his arms around his neck. “I need someone to take the Harley home, I don’t want to leave it here.” 

“Can’t you take it home yourself?”

“Cassiiiie…” Balthazar pouted. “I’ve been drinking, can’t you tell?”

Cas sighed.

“Fine, I’ll drive it back to the hotel, but you’ll have to come and pick it up yourself tomorrow.”

“You’re the best, baby bro,” Balthazar beamed, handed him the keys and a leather jacket, and placed a large, sloppy kiss on Cas’ temple, before he strode off towards a group of people, downing a beer.

“The Harley?” Dean asked. “You can ride a motorbike?”

“Yes, I learned to when you were in Afghanistan,” Cas said and started walking towards the exit. “Do you want to come too?”

“How come I didn’t know about this?” Dean enquired as he followed Cas’ back outside.

“It didn’t seem very important,” Cas said and unlocked the heavy chain around the front wheel. “It wasn’t something I did particularly often.”

Dean still stared at him in non-belief as he straddled the bike.

“Are you coming or not?” 

Dean stared at him a bit more before he got on behind him, because no way in hell he was gonna miss this, put on the helmet Cas gave him and Cas turned the ignition. The lean machine rumbled all the way inside his bones and Cas struck the kick stand with his heel and Dean put his hands on his waist, feeling sort of scared for their safety and really out of place.

Cas slowly rolled them forward, looked up and down the street before the engine roared and they shot out on the road. He felt completely relaxed underneath Dean’s hands and steered the bike smoothly around corners and sped up when they reached an empty highway, apparently taking a detour to let the pretty machine stretch it’s legs. If felt really fucking incredible, to be honest. Dean was used to being the one speeding at least 15 miles per hour in the Impala, but evidentially Cas didn’t care that much about keeping it legal either as the speedo just kept climbing higher. He swiftly overtook any car in their way and the dark road floated in front of them like a silk ribbon, over hills and past small portions of trees. Dean leaned against Cas’ back. He could feel him breath under his jacket that flattered from all the wind pushing through it. He was so composed and totally in control and completely different from anything Dean had even seen him like before. When they reached a bridge Cas pulled up on the wayside, killed the engine and took his helmet off. 

“Why are we sto-“ Dean begun as he pulled off his helmet too, but was interrupted when Cas turned around over his shoulder and pressed his lips up at Dean’s. 

“I couldn’t concentrate,” he said and smiled exculpatory at him. Dean snaked his arms closer around the man in front of him and lightly kissed his neck. Cas sighed and leaned back against his chest.

“I’m starting to think we’re gonna have to get you a bike,” Dean murmured and smiled. Cas chuckled and put his hands over Dean’s, lightly dragging his finger nails over the back of his hands.

“Why would I need a bike when I already have a car?”

“Well…” Dean started, “I wasn’t planning on telling you this, but you on a bike might be the biggest turn on ever.”

Cas laughed into the emptiness around them. 

“I knew you had an ulterior motive.”

“You only have yourself to blame for this one though,” Dean said and pressed him lips into Cas’ hair. “At least let me get you a leather jacket, because damn.”

Cas laughed again and put a hand on his forehead. 

“You’re impossible, Winchester.”

“Yeah, but you married me anyway, Novak.”

“So I did,” Cas said affectionately and sat back up. Dean followed his movement; putting his hands on his thighs instead and kissed the back of his neck. Cas shivered. He kick started the bike against and when Dean’s hands went around his waist he could have sworn he saw a small smile spread across his face. 

\-------

Dean was standing by the stove and busy making lasagna one evening, humming Metallica to himself and possibly making small dance steps while he smeared tomato sauce over the lasagna sheets, when Cas walked inside, rain dripping down his hair and slammed the front door behind him. 

“Hey, man!” Dean called. “Everything okay?”

“Yes,” Cas said and walked into the kitchen, gave Dean an absentminded kiss, downed a glass of water and left the room again, slipping upstairs. 

“Oki doki,” Dean muttered under his breath and put the tin in the oven. He followed Cas upstairs and gently pushed the door open. His husband was half inside the closet and… rearranging his jackets?

“Eh, dude?” he said. “Are you sure your alright?”

“I’m fine, why are you asking?” he said a bit too quickly and Dean frowned. 

“Okay, just… stop,” he said and stepped inside the room.

“Stop what?” 

“Stop with the tailspin! You look like you’re going insane or something!”

“I’m fine.”

“Like hell you are!” Dean was starting to get angry. “Just talk to me.”

“Dean, leave it.”

“Why can’t you-“

“I said leave it!” Cas yelled and spun around. Dean took a shocked step back at his outburst, before he set his jaw and walked up to Cas, gripping his shoulders.

“If you don’t tell me what’s going on, I will force it out of your mouth.”

“Maybe it’s got nothing to do with you.”

“So, what, you’re telling me it’s not my business?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

“Fuck it, Cas, I’m your goddamn husband!”

“So?”

“So that makes it my fucking business and you’re freaking me out like hell!”

Cas stared defiantly at him before he seemed to deflate, putting his hands on his face.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I’m being immature. I just had a really bad day.”

“Because of what exactly?” Dean asked a little bit more gently.

“It’s… work,” he said and pushed a hand through his hair. “I’ve just had a lot to do and things didn’t go the way I planned and turned out really bad and… It’s just been a very stressful day.”

“Truthfully?” Dean asked and stared into Cas’ eyes.

“Yes!”

“Okay, then,” he said and let go of his death grip on Cas’ shoulders. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No…” he sighed. “I just want to eat extremely unhealthy food and forget this day ever happened.”

“We can do that,” Dean said with a small smile. “Anything to make you feel better.”

Cas looked sadly at him and reached out to pull him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry I yelled. It had nothing to do with you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said and brushed a hand through his hair. “You go take a shower and I’ll make pizza à la Shitty Day.” Cas huffed a laugh against his neck.

“You’re awesome,” he murmured and let go of Dean, who smiled brightly before he looked more seriously as his husband.

“Hey, sure you’re okay?” he asked and put his hand on his arm. 

“Yes, just fine,” he replied and put on a smile that didn’t really reach his eyes, but Dean thought that that was probably the best he was gonna get, so he let it go. 

\-------

A couple of weeks later Dean was in the middle with writing a report when his phone rang with Cas’ name on the screen.

“Hey, man,” he said when he picked up.

“Dean!” Cas said and sounded very distressed. “Do you think you could come to Goddard? Immediately?” 

“Why, what’s happened?” Dean said and sat up in his chair.

“It’s, eh-“ he said and huffed. “Please, just come.”

“Not until you tell me what going on.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…! I may have received a potential death threat, so either just get here right now or I’m calling the regular police.”

There was a pause.

“You have what?”

“Are you coming or not?!”

“Yeah, sure, I’m on my way. Don’t go anywhere!” Dean said and hung up. He hurriedly packed his things together and rushed down to the garage, throwing a hasty explanation at a confused-looking Rufus. He totally speeded all the way and burst through the doors to the lobby, flashing his badge and tried not to run all the way up to Cas’ office. He wasn’t picking up when Dean had called to tell him he was there (and generally making sure he was still okay), so yeah, panicking any second now.

Dean came to a halt in the middle of a large area with a lot desks lined up. Some people looked up at him where he was panting in the middle of the doorway and probably looking like he was about to attack. He didn’t see Cas anywhere. He walked up to the desk closest to him.

“Where’s Castiel Novak’s desk?” he asked, more rudely than he meant to.

“Over there,” the scared-looking woman said and pointed towards a desk a bit further down.

Dean rushed up to it and yeah, that was Cas’ laptop all right and his bag was still resting against the table-leg and this did so not look good. 

“He left ten minutes ago,” the woman called after Dean. 

“Did you notice anything weird about him?” Dean asked and walked back to her, trying not to look as freaked out as he was. “Was he carrying anything or do you know if he talked to anyone before he left?”

“No, he wasn’t carrying anything specific,” the woman said and seemed to think. “Although he didn’t seem to get along very well with the man he was leaving with.”

“A man, what man, can you describe him?” Dean rambled and leaned abruptly across the desk. The poor woman jumped back in her chair and looked really uneasy. 

“It was… a tall man. Blonde, sort of,” she stuttered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise him.”

“Damn it,” Dean muttered under his breath and the woman looked insulted. “Oh, no, I’m sorry. Thank you for your cooperation.”

He barely knew what was coming out his mouth and he marched back to the desk. He moved all of Cas’ things around, searching for anything that could help him figure out what was going on. There were a few pieces of papers lying hidden underneath a stack of books that caught Dean’s attention. He picked them up and flipped them over. They were photos of him and Cas, taken from a distant and at weird angles and they looked exactly like pictures he used to take of potential suspects. There was also a note. 

Hello, sweetheart!  
You thought I’d forgotten about you? Well, worry no more, Cassie dear, because guess what? I’ve spent over seven years in prison, partly thanks to you and that dickhead you apparently decided to marry, and I’ve had a lot of time to think. About you. And don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. Not yet anyway. Just know that I’m here, watching over you, like the angel I always wanted to be.

Lots of love

The note wasn’t signed. Dean felt himself shake with anger and he fisted and un-fisted his hand as he reread the note at least four times.

“Fuck!” he breathed and put all the photos in his pockets and was just about to leave when a post it next to the computer caught his eye. He picked it up and noticed that it looked like a password, messily scribbled across the paper. Slowly realisation sneaked up on him.

“Castiel, you fucking genius,” he mumbled and quickly sat down at desk, opening Cas’ laptop and hacked the password in like five seconds. Guess that spending every day together for the past 11 years had its perks. He opened a tab in Firefox, went to an anti-theft site for cell phones and wrote in Cas’ mail and the password on the paper. And yes. There it was. A map with a red dot that moved as the satellite searched for the location of Cas’ phone. He stared at it while it moved maddeningly slowly until it stopped at… his own house. He logged out, slammed the laptop shut and ran out the office, getting even more weird stares on the way.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he repeated under his breath as he pressed the gun almost into the floor of his car. Thank god for soup up federal vehicles. When he was halfway there his phone rang with Cas’ name on the screen.

“Cas!” he yelled. “Cas, are you okay?”

“Hello, Dean,” said a voice that was nothing like that raspy, deep one Dean loved.

“Who the fuck is this?”

“Oh, don’t you recognise me? I’m disappointed! You did steel my boyfriend, after all.”

“Lucifer,” Dean growled out with hatred pouring from the single syllable. 

“Oh, so you do remember! I’m flattered.”

“What have you done with Cas?!”

“Don’t worry, I have him right here with me. Care to say hello, Cassie?”

“Dean!” Cas called from the other side of the line. Dean felt so tremendously relieved. At least he was alive. “Dean, DO NOT come here! Do you hear me, stay at the offi-“ There was a loud smack and Cas groaned in pain. 

“I thought I told you to behave,” Dean could he Lucifer saying. “Ignore that,” he told Dean. “And I don’t think I have to tell you that if you bring backup, you will have what’s left of Castiel all over your carped. Lovely colour, by the way.”

He hung up before Dean had the chance to threaten him to death if he hurt his husband, so he punched the steering wheel instead. He quickly called Rufus and asked for backup anyway - if there was something the CIA was good at, it was sneaking up unnoticed - and tried to drive even faster.

\-------

There was a black jeep standing in Dean’s driveway when he pulled up. It didn’t have a licence plate so he just sneaked right past it, peeked inside the doors to see if someone was in ambush, but it was empty. There was no one on the porch either or in the upstairs windows as far as he could see, but why would there be? He was expected, after all.

It felt extremely weird to carefully open his own door with his gun drawn and sneak inside his own house like his agent-self. He left the door open and slowly walked through the hallway, which was in complete chaos.

“What the hell is going on?” Dean mumbled under his breath and crept further inside. Far too late did he feel a breath on his neck.

“Freeze,” someone whispered behind him and he spun around and aimed his gun straight in front of him, steadying it with the other hand on his forearm. “Always so hostile,” Lucifer said and his eyes glimmered dangerously as someone punched Dean in the back of his head and everything went black for a moment before he was able to shake his vision back into function. He was being dragged into his own living room and got a gun aimed at his head when he stumbled to his feet.

“Where’s Cas?” he roared.

“Oh, you mean your little pretty husband?” Lucifer said mockingly. “I suppose it wouldn’t be more than fair for you to see him one last time before I kill you both. Alastair?”

A huge guy that Dean vaguely recognised appeared on Dean’s right, hauling Cas with him and throwing him onto the floor, holding him down on his knees. Dean felt his chest tighten. Cas had blood running down his nose and mouth and his white shirt made the red spots on it stand out like a fox in snow and his eyes… his eyes were so filled with hopelessness and pain.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas said.

“It’s okay, Cas, we’re gonna handle this,” Dean said and hoped he sounded determined, because inside he was close to panic. 

“Oh, isn’t this adorable?” Lucifer said and grinned big. “The big, bad fed husband is going to save his little angel. Isn’t he, Cassie?” he purred and bowed down to lift Cas’ chin up.

“Fuck you, Lucifer,” Cas snarled and Lucifer slapped him.

“Language, please,” he said and walked away from Cas and towards Dean instead. “I would at least have expected you to not to ruin him completely when you stole him from me,” he told Dean. “But I guess you failed at that too.”

“Why are you doing this, Lucifer?” Dean asked as he was starting to grow tired of all the bullshit. “It’s been ten years. Don’t you think this is a little too much drama?”

“Had a week off,” he smirked and stroked Dean’s jaw gently. “And ten years in jail kind of keeps you focused on what you want.” Dean started shaking with anger and if it hadn’t been for the gun burning a hole into his neck with it’s presence a feet away, Dean would have gladly reached up and broken every bone in his hand.

“Leave. Him. Alone,” Cas said and looked like he was boiling with fury. Lucifer turned around and walked slowly towards him, crunching down and leaning close to his face.

“Feeling protective, Cassie dear?” he said quietly. “Maybe you want me to focus on you instead?” He pushed him down on his back and snatched Alastair’s gun to aim it at his head. Cas stayed down and stared at Lucifer while taking deep, slow breaths. 

“Do what you want with me, but leave him alone,” he said firmly. 

“Aw, what a little hero you’ve become, Castiel!” Lucifer grinned. “Tell me, do you still have that scar I left you? I would just love to know I made a permanent mark on you for Dean to look at whenever he’s fucking you.”

Cas growled and jerked up like he’d wanted to beat Lucifer to death, only to get the gun pressed against his forehead. 

“Still so touchy,” Lucifer murmured and smiled cruelly down at Cas, pushing his fingers through his dark hair. The sight made Dean’s stomach twist. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to have you like this,” he purred. “Again.” The smile twisted even more and he traced his hand down Cas’ neck and slowly down his chest. “Should we tell him our little secret about what happened in the backseat of the car?” he fake whispered.

Cas turned so pale he almost looked blue and Dean’s breath stopped dead in his chest.

“What did you do to him?” he growled. Lucifer looked up towards him.

“Nothing we haven’t done before,” he said with a disgustingly smooth voice, leering at Dean. Cas closed his eyes for a moment and Dean noticed the hurt in his face. He’d give anything right now to kill everyone in the entire house, in the entire world that had ever hurt this wonderful man that he loved beyond reason and just hold him, comfort him until the pain went away. 

While Dean had focused most of his attention on Cas, his agent half had still been active in his unconscious, taking in his surroundings, calculating the situation and the number and location of the potential threats. There was one behind him - with Dean’s gun - probably pretty bad if the one holding the gun wasn’t too occupied with watching the scene in front of them. There was Alastair who was unarmed at the moment, but probably could cause enough trouble anyway, and then there were two guys more, one standing in the doorway to the hallway and the other standing in the doorway to the study, number of weapons unknown. It was quite an entourage. And then there was himself and Cas. To be fair, Dean had seen worse. 

He carefully stole a glance behind him and saw that the one behind him had made the mistake if relaxing slightly. He could probably take him and then use his gun to take down Alastair, the two others and maybe even Lucifer too, before they managed to get him. The only problem was that gun pressed against Cas’ forehead. He couldn’t see any scenario that didn’t include the risk of Cas being shot to death. 

Except that Cas didn’t seem to have given up just yet. He moved his eyes to Dean for a second, sending a meaningful look that could either mean ‘I’m gonna do something stupid and save us all’ or ‘I’m gonna do something stupid that’ll kill me, so know that I love you’. Dean felt his heart fly up in his throat and then Cas moved at lightning speed, one leg kicking Lucifer on the stomach and one arm shoving away the gun, so that the shot missed him by an inch and hit the floor instead, before he twisted the gun from Lucifer’s hand. Dean reacted on pure reflex and struck the arm behind him, bendy it and grabbing his gun, the guy yelling in pain, and hit him in the back of his head with it, knocking him out. He spun around on the spot and took out the two in the doorways, without aiming to kill, and then shot Alastair in the stomach. 

When he spun to a halt with the gun aimed at Lucifer, he stopped with the finger on the trigger. Cas was on his feet in front of Lucifer and aiming the other gun at him with admirable stability. Lucifer had raised his hands and looked genuinely surprised, even if he didn’t have the decency to look scared.

“Castiel,” he said and tried to look innocent, which was just disgusting. “You wouldn’t kill me, would you?”

“It’s looking rather tempting,” Cas said with his raspy voice low and dangerous. Dean cautiously moved in closer.

“But not me?” Lucifer said and probably thought he looked pleadingly. “Think about everything we shared. You did love me.”

“You ruined me,” Cas said and moved closer, still with the gun directly aimed at Lucifer. “You abused me and you hurt Dean, but we got through it. We were doing well. We were happy. And then you came back and ruined it all over again, like you have the right to do so.”

“But, Cassie-“ Lucifer said and laughed nervously. 

“Quiet!” Cas said with authority pouring from his entire body. “If you as much as open your mouth again, I will blow your head off.”

Lucifer seemed to finally understand that he was in actual danger and his eyes gleamed. 

“Fine, then,” he breathed. “Do it. Get my blood on your hands, if that’s what you want to dearly.”

“Cas?” Dean said carefully. He moved around him until he was at his side, putting a gentle hand on his tense shoulder. “Cas, don’t.”

“Why?” Cas asked him. “Why not just end him?”

“You don’t want that on your conscious,” Dean let his hand grasp his shoulder a bit tighter. “Trust me.”

Cas eyes flashed to his and Dean could see how scared he looked underneath all that anger. 

“Castiel… please,” he said low and private and Cas’ eyes widened. He looked back at Lucifer, who was watching the two of them with much interest. Then he slowly lowered the gun and let Dean take it from him and disarm it while he still held his own gun aimed high. He threw the disarmed gun on the floor and went up to Lucifer, hit him in the back of his head and when he fell down on the ground he cuffed him and read him his rights. Like he didn’t already know them from all his times in jail.

And THEN the backup decided it was time to burst in on the party after all, tires shrieking and agents leaping out. Dean just shook his head and pulled Lucifer to his feet. 

“Lock this one up somewhere really far away,” he told Rufus and shoved Lucifer at his partner. There were lots of movement around them as people from his squad tried to take care of the felons lying around the room and securing the house and neighbourhood.

Dean turned around to see Cas standing in the same spot, looking small and lost and it broke his heart. His stupid, brave angel, all disoriented and out of place. 

He cautiously walked towards him and put a hand on his shoulder again to let him know he was there as he moved around him.

“Cas?” he said gently. Cas refused to meet his eyes and stubbornly stared down at the ground and the bulled casing lying at his feet. “Cas, look at me.”

He slowly moved his hand to his chin, not wanting to startle him, and lifted his head up. He still had blood on his face and on his shirt and the blue eyes stared at him. 

“I’m gonna take you outside until they’re done here,” he said and put his hands on his arms, whishing he would give away any kind of life signals at all, but Cas just kept staring at him. It was like he’d gone introvert times a hundred. “It’s going to be okay.”

Dean tugged him forwards and Cas let himself be moved, eyes still on Dean. 

“Winchester!” Rufus called. “We’re gonna need a report from him!”

“Tomorrow,” Dean said firmly and ignored Rufus when he called protests after them. 

He walked Cas into their backyard to get some shelter, because every single neighbour within a five-mile radius would probably be here within minutes to see why the Winchester-Novak house was propped with agents. When a paramedic came to check up on Cas, Dean went inside again, answered the most required questions that simply couldn’t wait until tomorrow before he shooed everyone out of his fucking house. 

Dean went back to the yard to tell Cas that everyone was out. Cas got up without a single word and slammed the door behind him. Dean hurried after him and he could hear loud crashes as he pushed the door open and he quickly followed the sound, his heart beating faster.

“Cas?” he called and ran into the study. “Cas!” Cas was sitting on the floor with his face in his hands and there were books lying everywhere, along with his shattered iPad and the sharp pieces of what used to be a vase.

“Cas,” Dean said again and fell to his knees in front of him, wanting desperately to hold him but not knowing where to put his hands. “Cas, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s not ok!” he said and pushed Dean away from him. “It’s definitely not ok! He wasn’t supposed to come back, he wasn’t supposed to ever find us and he certainly wasn’t supposed to hurt you!”

“Calm down-“

“No! Just- stop talking!” he yelled and leaped back up to his feet. “Just stop!” His voice broke and he shoved Dean away from him, snatching his gun from underneath his jacket in one swift movement. 

“Cas…” Dean said slowly. “What are you planning to do with that?”

Cas just stood there in front of him with the gun in a shaky hand, stared down at the floor and swallowed.

“Give me my gun back,” Dean said cautiously and took a small step towards him with his heart in his throat and a horrible feeling in his stomach. “Please.”

Cas pulled back the slide and released it.

“Castiel…” Dean said and his voice broke. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” he whispered. He was trembling and he looked small and completely exhausted. “It was supposed to be over.” Tears started rolling down his cheeks. “Why can’t it ever be over?”

“Cas, I’m begging you,” Dean said through a very tight and dry throat and took another step towards him. “Put the gun down.” Cas didn’t move so Dean carefully closed the distance between them and reached out for the gun, gently taking it and disarming it and put it on the desk behind Cas. Dean chest ached like never before and he just wanted to make it ok, make the pain go away and for Cas to not be so shattered. 

“Cas, I’m…” was all he managed to say. He cautiously put his arms around Cas and pulling him into his chest, holding him close and breathing him in, clinging to him desperately because it felt like he’d disappear if he didn’t. He was shaking and Dean held onto him even tighter, feeling tears burning behind his eyes. “I’ll make it better,” he murmured and put a hand in Cas’ hair. “I promise.” Cas nudged his nose against his neck and took a trembling breath. “Don’t ever do that again,” Dean said and felt his inside fret. God, what had he done if Cas had pulled the trigger? Fear shot through his blood like acid and he buried his face in Cas’ shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” he said and clutched to the back of Dean’s jacket. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“Cas, you’re in shock,” Dean murmured and pulled away a little to look at him, keeping his hands in his hair. “It’s not even close to your fault.”

“But…” he said and seemed to have trouble finding words. “But it has to be. There’s no other explanation. It must’ve been my fault from the beginning. You shouldn’t have married me,” he said and started franticly pulling his ring off his finger.

“Hey, Cas, dude, stop it!” Dean said and gripped his hands, feeling wounded. Cas was holding the ring between his fingers. “Cas, don’t… do anything… stupid, okay?” he said and took the ring away from him. “It wasn’t your fault.” He pushed the ring back onto his finger. “Okay? Are you listening to what I’m saying?”

Cas just shook his head and looked like he didn’t know what to believe. 

“I’m covered in blood,” he said with his eyes plastered on the floor.

“We’ll get you cleaned up,” Dean replied softly and stroked his cheeks. He took him into the bathroom, where he carefully took his shirt off and threw it in the trash. He sat him down on the edge of the bathtub, sat down next to him and cleaned the blood of his face. It felt really horrible and suddenly he couldn’t understand how Cas managed to clean Dean up on a regular basis. He winced slightly whenever Dean pushed the wet cloth against his face, but at least his nose didn’t look broken. When his face looked better Dean put him in the shower, pulled off his own clothes and got in after him. The warm water poured over them and Cas leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder as he washed their hair and gently cleaned them off with the old shower gel that’d been standing in the shower for months. Cas wasn’t tense under his hands, rather the opposite. He felt more like he wasn’t there at all and leaned against Dean, completely lifeless. After they were dry and had clean clothes on Dean tugged Cas towards the kitchen, sat him down on a chair and crunched in front of him until he met his eyes. He stared right into them until he almost got dizzy and stroked the side of his neck, feeling the pulse underneath. It was a bit slow, but steady, so he got up and started making him tea. He thought something hot to drink would do Cas some good. 

“He sent me photos,” Cas said eventually as Dean poured tea into two mugs.

“Yeah, I know, I found them on your desk,” he replied quietly and sat down next to him by the table.

“Oh,” Cas said. “I suppose you found the letter too, then?”

“Yes.” There was a moment of tense silence. “Why didn’t you tell me, Cas?” 

He squirmed in his chair and seemed to have trouble looking at Dean.

“We were happy,” he said. “I couldn’t bring myself to ruin that.”

“Cas…” Dean said with a pained voice. He wanted to cry. Cas kept staring at the floor and nervously fingered on Dean’s old bracelet. Dean felt a huge need to be close to him so he got up from his chair and sat on the table instead, putting his feet on Cas’ seat and his hands on his shoulder, leaning their foreheads together. “How long have you had those pictures?”

“Two weeks,” he murmured. “The letter came two days later.”

Dean nodded with his jaw hard-set.

“And the death threat?” he almost spitted out. He hated this whole situation so fucking much. How could anyone even dare to hurt his kind and magnificent husband?

“It was a text. And I called you straight after I got it.”

“Can I see it?”

“I don’t have my phone. It’s probably still in their car.”

“Can you tell me what it said then?”

“It said-” Cas started and sighed, putting his forehead against Dean’s shoulder. “It said he’d decided to finish the job, that he didn’t like having loose ends and that I shouldn’t bother telling anyone, because he would be at my office in two minutes.”

“But you called anyway,” Dean said and stroked his neck with his fingers.

“Of course I did.”

“And left that clever note.”

“Yes.” He nudged his nose closer against Dean’s neck. “I knew it would put you in danger, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted you to find me.” He let out a shaky breath. “Dean, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t say that,” Dean said softly and stroked his hands through his hair. “Non of this is your fault, never was and never will be. Understand?”

“Of course it was my fault, I could have stopped it couldn’t I? I could have stayed away; I could have kept you safe. And instead I married you,” he whimpered and let out a small and painful laughter. “And looked what happened.”

“Cas, stop!” Dean said and lifted his head up, looking anxiously into his eyes. They were so lifeless and full of despair that Dean’s insides twisted and he felt tears starting to run down his face. “Just stop, please.”

“Maybe I didn’t deserve you after all,” Cas murmured and looked positively destroyed. “Perhaps I should leave.”

“No! No, for fuck’s sake, Cas, no!” Dean said resolutely and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “You are not allowed to say shit like that, do you hear me? You are not. I am going to keep telling you that it wasn’t your fault until you start believing it, because it’s the truth, and you are not going to let me go, not after every fucking thing we’ve been through. You promised you wouldn’t leave me, you promised!”

“But he was right, Dean! He was right! I am marked by him for the rest of my life and it feels so disgusting!” he cried out and pushed Dean’s hands away from him. He tried to stand, but Dean pushed him down on the chair and sat down on his thighs, holding him still. 

“Castiel, listen to me; he has no power over you, what so fucking ever. That mark,” he put his hand over scar and squeezed his side tight, “is not a sign of his claim on you, it’s a sign of how brave and kind and loving you are. It means that you stood up to him and that you took control, and it means that you are strong enough to handle this rotten world and it’s a symbol of us. Us, Cas,” he said and cupped his face. “Because I will never leave you and I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe.”

More tears were running down his face, blurring his eyesight and he felt Cas’ fingers on his cheeks, brushing them away.

“Please, stay with me, please,” Dean begged and leaned his forehead against Cas’. His heart was beating so hard inside his chest he felt like he could rip apart at any moment. 

“Yes,” Cas whispered. “Yes, of course I’ll stay.” He put his arms around Dean and held him tight against him. “I’m so sorry I said that.”

“It’s okay, Cas, it’s okay,” Dean said.

“I didn’t mean it.”

“I know, don’t worry.”

Cas pushed their lips together, strong and needy, letting out a small whimper. 

“I love you so much,” Dean said against his mouth. 

“I love you too,” Cas breathed and slowly broke the kiss. He looked tiredly up at Dean and stroked his wrist in small circles.

“Bed?” Dean asked and Cas nodded. 

They went upstairs. Cas seemed to pretty much collapse on the bed with his sweatpants and t-shirt on, so Dean followed his example and got under the comforter fully clothed. He tugged Cas close to him and pulled him onto his chest, kissing him and massaging his back. It felt like he couldn’t be too close, like he always needed him closer no matter how hard he held him.

“Thank you,” Cas whispered when he was almost asleep. Dean just hugged even tighter and closed his eyes.

\-------

The next morning Dean woke up and realised that Cas was gone. He was completely missing. Dean stumbled down the stairs and searched through every corner of the house with his gun in his hand, and became more and more convinced that Lucifer must’ve escaped somehow, he must had come back and taken Cas while Dean was asleep and oh god, what if he was hurting him, what if Cas was lying somewhere, bleeding and scared and Dean wasn’t there to hold him or protect him and oh, god. Dean stopped in the hallway, between the kitchen and the living room, almost hyperventilating and with tears in his eyes. Suddenly the front door opened and he spun around and almost fired… at Cas. Cas eyes went really wide and when Dean realised he’d almost shot his husband to death and felt panic pick up inside him, Cas quickly put down the coffee and the brown paper bag in his hands on the floor and took the gun from Dean’s shaking hands and put it on the shoe rack. Dean clutched at him, tearing his t-shirt off because he was so desperate to feel him, to know that he was there and to feel that strong back underneath his fingers. Cas was more or less trembling and told him “it’s ok, Dean, calm down, I’m here” the best he could with Dean’ suffocating him and kissed his shoulder over and over again. 

“We can’t stay here,” Dean whispered and met Cas’ lips when they pressed against his mouth instead, still feeling the adrenaline rush through his body.

“No, I know,” Cas replied and pushed his fingers through Dean’s hair, responding with more kisses. “Gabriel owns an apartment on the opposite side of town. I’m sure we can borrow it.”

“Okay,” Dean said and hugged him tight. “Okay.”

\-------

By lunchtime Cas followed Dean to the office to leave that report. Dean wasn’t allowed in with him and it was almost killing him, so he sat in his desk and almost created a whole in the surface from rapping his pen so hard against it. After almost two hours Cas was let back out again and Dean sprung to his feet. 

“You okay?” Dean asked, because Cas looked drained and very pale.

“Yes,” he said and intertwined their fingers.

“Take the week off,” Dean’s boss told him.

“I was planning to,” Dean said and placed a protective hand on the small of Cas’ back as they walked outside.

When they came home they packed together all the essential things they needed before they went to Gabe’s apartment. Cas had called him on the way to the CIA and he was just fine with them taking it for a while. Dean was loading the truck of the Impala when he saw Missouri hurrying across the street with three pots in her hands. 

“I heard you were moving,” she said, slightly out of breath, and handed Dean the containers. How she knew was beyond Dean, but she often seemed to know things even before he did so he didn’t ask. 

“Thanks,” he said and opened the door to the backseat to put the pots behind the driver’s seat. When he straightened again Missouri put her arms around his shoulder and hugged him tight, patting him gently on the cheek when she pulled away.

“Tell me; how is he doing?” she asked and looked concerned. 

“He wanted to kill himself,” Dean breathed before he realised what he’d said, but it felt so natural to tell Missouri. She’d taken care of them and understood things without even questioning them. When he became aware of what had just slipped through his mouth he felt himself go cold and quickly looked up at the woman in front of him. She’d clasped a hand over her mouth and put a hand on his arm. 

“Oh, you poor man,” she said and Dean swallowed. He didn’t really see how he was the one how needed pitying, but he didn’t object, mostly because he didn’t trust his own voice right now.

The door opened behind them and Cas walked outside with a bag on his shoulder. He locked it behind him and walked down the stairs, looking small and fragile and somewhat disoriented in front of his own house. Missouri removed her hand from Dean’s arm and pulled Cas into a big hug, stroking his hair and talking quietly to him. His eyes widened as she pulled back and he nodded slowly. She kissed him on the cheek and patted Dean one last time on the arm before she went back across the street to her house. 

“What did she say?” Dean asked, because no, there was no way he could let that pass. Cas threw him a look and went to stand close to him, putting his bag in the car with a sigh. 

“She told me I have plenty of reasons to live and that she knew good things were coming,” he murmured without looking up at Dean. 

“Oh,” Dean said and felt kind of stupid. “Well… she’s right, you know.”

“Yes, I do know,” he said quietly and twisted his wedding ring around his finger. “I’m just… ashamed.” 

Dean’s heart ached at the sight of him.

“You have nothing to be ashamed for,” he started. Cas just shook his head and turned to get into the car, but Dean stopped him by putting a hand on his arm. “Cas, I’m serious. Please, can’t you at least look at me?”

He lifted Cas’ chin up and the blue eyes flickered a bit before they finally landed on his. 

“If I’ve ever given you the impression that you needed to feel bad about anything, then I’m sorry,” he continued. “Because you don’t. I love you, okay? And that won’t change. But it’s fucking horrible to see you so beat up about it and you won’t even let me help.”

“How can you be so tolerant?” Cas asked with a strained tone in his voice. “I did something awful, for Christ’ sake! I would have shot myself right in front of you. How can you just let that pass? How could I ever even begin to expect you to forgive me?” He started to look angry and upset, so Dean held on to his forearms to keep him from moving.

“Don’t you think that’s kinda up to me to decide? You were in shock, goddammit, you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“That doesn’t excuse what I did!” Cas said loudly. “Dean, I don’t deserve to be forgiven, I don’t even deserve to have you here at all!”

“Oh, don’t start with the deserving crap,” Dean protested. “Listen to me, Cas; we are gonna get through this. We’re gonna go to Gabe’s apartment and leave all this crap behind us, figure out what to do, and you are going to stop beating yourself up and we are going to be happy. Understand?”

Cas looked at him with distressed eyes that started to look teary and Dean put his arms around his shoulders and held in tight against his chest. 

“I am truly sorry,” Cas said against his shoulder.

“Yes, I know you are and I forgive you,” Dean murmured and ran his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Just stop with the self-torturing, man.” He could feel Cas’ hot breath against his neck and his chest fluttered, despite the grim situation. “Although, I have to give it to you; you looked damn awesome kicking Lucifer’s ass like that.”

Cas huffed a small laugh and then stopped just as quickly, as if he’d surprised himself by laughing. Dean felt a small tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

“Told you it’d get better…” he mumbled quietly in Cas’ ear and stroked his nose against his jaw, and let himself be overwhelmed in the raspy, familiar feeling against his skin.

\-------

Gabriel came by his apartment one evening a few days later. He patted Dean on the back in his typical cheerful way, but when he saw Cas he drew him into an rough hug. 

“Dean, if you excuse us, I need to speak with my brother for a minute,” he said and Dean went into the kitchen to start on dinner, just to make himself busy. He tried really hard not to try and listen to what the two men in the living room were saying, but they were talking too quietly for him to pick up anything anyway.

“You will take care of him, won’t you?” Gabriel’s voice came behind Dean and he almost dropped the frying pan from being startled. 

“Yeah, of course I will,” he said and tried to calm his beating heart. “I’m his goddamn husband.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that. We just wanted to make sure our baby bro would try anything stupid again. Don’t know what we’d do without him,” he said sadly. Dean was surprised Cas had told him, but on the other hand, he was a terrible liar and his brothers weren’t afraid to pressure him. “Take care, Dean-o!” Gabe called over his shoulder and went towards the door again. “Don’t set my place on fire.”

When the door fell shut again Cas appeared in the doorway and sat down on the table with his feet on the chair. 

“Do you need any help?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Dean said and flashed him a small smile. 

“Gabriel said we could keep the apartment if we wanted to,” he told him. “For a small compensation, of course.”

“Really?” Dean said and turned away from the frying chicken, leaning against the counter. “Well, I could live with that.”

“Yes, me too.” Cas got down from the table and placed himself in front of Dean, hands on his hips. “Although I think I would have to insist on some renovations. I’m not sure I like sleeping in Gabe’s bed.” He made a small - and unintentionally adorable - face.

“Yeah, no, we’re definitely throwing that out,” Dean said. There was a small pause. “Hey, are you okay? After Gabe’s visit and stuff, I mean.”

“Yes,” Cas said and smiled. “Yes, I’m okay.” Dean felt a stone as heavy as a mountain lift from his shoulders and he just felt so relieved and weirdly ecstatic and he just had to kiss Cas’ as deeply as he could, cupping his face and stroking his jaw, and yes, he might have whimpered into his mouth. 

\-------

“Dean?” Cas asked. It was a couple of weeks since Gabriel had visited and they were sitting on the couch watching football (well, Dean was watching. Cas was busy with successfully distracting him by tickling him with his toes). 

“What?” he chortled and tried to keep Cas’ feet still.

“I’ve been thinking…”

“Really?” Dean teased him and managed to grab his wrists and pull him on top of him, making him yelp.

“Yes, shut up,” Cas said and settled with his legs on either side of Dean’s stomach. “I’ve been thinking that perhaps we should travel somewhere, after all. Get away for a bit.”

“Like a honeymoon 2.0?” Dean asked and tried to tickle him in revenge, only managing getting his hands pinned over his head by strong arms. 

“Yes, precisely,” Cas grinned. Suddenly his smile faltered and he leaned down and kissed Dean softly on the mouth. Dean felt a flutter in his stomach as those soft, familiar lips pushed against his and he didn’t want to let them go when Cas pulled away. 

“What was that for?” Dean asked.

“You just make me very happy,” Cas said with an adorable smile and Dean blushed. 

“I’m glad to hear that,” he murmured and stared up into those big, blue oceans that seemed to swallow him whole. He became aware that he was staring and cleared his throat. “So, where do you want to go?”

“I have been considering… London,” Cas said and chewed on his lower lip, making it impossible for Dean to tear his eyes away.

“London?”

“Yes. It would be nice to see if it’s like I remember it. Although I doubt it will.”

“Oh, yeah, right, I keep forgetting you British.” Dean grinned up at him.

“Well, technically I’m American, seeing as I’ve had an U.S. citizenship since I was four.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, it’s so much cooler being British,” Dean said and Cas snorted at him. “But London requires flying…” he continued and slipped his hands through Cas’ grip, putting them on his neck instead. 

“I’ll hold your hand during the entire flight.”

“Still not quite convinced.”

“I’ll get us seats at the very back so you can shove your tongue down my throat whenever you get nervous,” he said with his low whiskey-and-motor oil-voice and Dean shuddered.

“I believe that to be a deal,” he grinned. 

\-------

Cas did indeed get them seats at the very back and Dean took every opportunity he could to tug on Cas’ collar and put his hand in his hair and kiss him senseless, getting a few bothered looked from the flight attendances, but it did make him feel a lot better and he was almost able to enjoy flying. Almost.

They landed on Heathrow and took a cab into central London, to their hotel in Mayfair, close to Piccadilly Circus. It was more or less a ridiculously expensive building and Cas looked like he was born to be in a place like this. Which he actually was, but whatever. Dean did feel a little out of place and like he had ‘army kid’ written in his forehead, but Cas just interlaced their fingers and led him inside the large lobby with confident steps, making his anxiety go away.

They spent the rest of the day in bed, completely exhausted and jetlagged. At 11 P.M. local time (aka 6 P.M. in their bodies) they decided that it was time for dinner and went out into the London nightlife, only to end up at a pub and eating fish n’ chips, throwing potatoes at each other in their little booth and feeling like two teenagers. 

Cas insisted that they would make a detour around Piccadilly Circus on their way back to the hotel, already drained of energy again, and when they got there it was full of people taking the tube to different clubs or just walking around in the late summer night, just like they were. The billboards threw an enchanting light over the square, red double-deck buses drove past them ever so often, and Dean breathed in the smell of the city and chilly air. Cas stood in the middle of the square, right next to the large fountain, and even thought he might’ve moved away when he was just four, he looked like the perfect representative of a British dude in his black, tight jeans, stylish jacket and messy hair. He was looking around him, the red light from the Coke commercial illuminating his hair, and when he turned around to Dean again and smiled, Dean felt his chest fill up with light and warmth. 

“What?” Cas asked with a small and amused smile.

Dean walked towards him and put his hands on his neck. 

“Do you know how beautiful you are?” he asked and smiled even bigger. Cas turned his eyes towards his feet and a blush crept up his neck and his cheeks. 

“Shut up, Winchester,” he murmured with an embarrassed chuckle. 

“I don’t think so, Novak,” Dean grinned at him and pulled him towards him, bending down slightly to press their lips together. Cas sighed happily against his mouth and put his arms around his back, melting against him.

Dean continued to kiss his husband affectionately until he heard a kid crying somewhere near them. He broke the kiss, still keeping his hands at the bottom of Cas’ neck and looked around them until he saw two small girls standing by the entrance to the underground, the slightly smaller one, who couldn’t have been more than three years old, clutching to her sister’s hand. They had black hair in identical ponytails and looked like they came from somewhere around Turkey. They were both crying loudly and when their parents didn’t seem to be anywhere in sight, Dean walked slowly towards them, crouching down in front of them.

“Have you lost your parents?” he asked them gently, not wanting to scare them off by being a male stranger and everything.

“I can’t find our Mummy,” the older one sobbed with a typical London accent over the sound of her sister’s ear piercing weeping. 

“Where did you last see her?”

“Down there,” she said and pointed towards the stairs to the underground. “But she disappeared and it was scary,” she added and cried even harder. Dean silently wondered what kind of mother would let herself be separated from her kids down in a subway, but he didn’t say anything.

“Do you want me to follow you down there, maybe see if she’s there or if anyone knows where she is?” he asked and both girls nodded. 

“My feet hurt,” the smaller one slurred and wiped her nose with her entire little hand.

“All right, then,” Dean said under his breath and picked her up when she reach her arms up, holding her by his side with one arm and taking the other girl’s hand in his. When he turned around Cas was staring at him with wide eyes. 

“What?” Dean asked puzzled.

“Dean…They have black hair,” he said and his eyes flickered to the girls.

“Huh?” Dean said and looked down at the girl grasping his hand. Now that he thought about it she was more or less identical to the one in Afghanistan, the one who’d run out and saved him without hesitation. He almost expected himself to freak out any second, but it never came… he felt completely calm and he could feel his heart beat steadily in his chest. “I…” he said and looked up at Cas, who was moving towards him, still staring with unbelief. 

“Are you… feeling… okay?” Cas asked tentatively and came to a halt next to him, the small girls staring up at him. 

“Yeah,” Dean breathed. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Cas looked at him for a few seconds before his eyes started smiling and Dean was almost too dumbstruck to respond. The small girl on his arm started hiccupping and he snapped out of his trance.

“We should take them downstairs,” he said and quickly moved towards the subway, Cas right behind him. It was incredibly crowded and noisy downstairs, but even that didn’t make his chest tighten or his breathing speed up; he felt completely normal. He walked up to a guard in a bright yellow jacket.

“Excuse me,” he said and the guy turned around. “These girls have lost their mom somewhere down here.”

“Follow me, please,” the guy said and led them away from the chaotic crowd and into a small office, where a distressed woman was sitting.

“Mommy!” the girls cried and Dean let go of them, watching them tumble into their relieved mother’s arms. 

“Oh, thank god!” she breathed before her eyes fell on Dean and Cas. She stumbled to her feet and hugged them tightly while thanking them over and over again and told them how her daughters had managed to get separated from her in the crowd just as they went through the turnstiles and her grocery bags got stuck in it and how she’d thought she’d never see them again and then she said thank you a dozen times more before she lead her girls out. 

Dean took Cas’ hand and walked them up into the fresh air again, but once there Cas pulled him to a stop.

“What just happened?” he asked and looked at Dean like he could see right through him. 

“I… don’t know,” Dean said and scratched his neck, feeling a bit confused and uncomfortable. “Nothing happened.”

“Yes, I know,” Cas said and a smile started to slowly spread across his face. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah, I… I suppose it is,” Dean said and flashed a small smile. “I suppose it’s… really good. Yeah.” He was starting to feel lighter and lighter until he was more or less beaming at Cas, who smiled just as widely. 

“Do you think it’s… over?” Cas asked cautiously. “I mean, do you think the anxiety might be gone?”

“Yes, I- I actually think so.” Dean almost didn’t have the courage to say it out loud, because what if this was just a one time experience? But it didn’t feel like that. He felt… free. And clearheaded.

Cas interlaced their fingers again, tugging him closer. 

“I’m so happy for you,” he breathed and nudged their noses together with a big smile. “You are extraordinary.” 

“Oh, shut up, Novak,” Dean said and Cas chuckled. 

“Never,” he said and pushed their lips together, putting his hands in Dean’s hair instead. Dean kissed him back feverishly while thought’s swirled around in his head.

“Cas,” he said and pulled away, feeling a bit out of breath. “If… if this is permanent… we could get a kid.”

“A kid?” Cas asked and his blue eyes stared at Dean in bewilderment before they softened and lightened. “Okay,” he breathed.

“Really?” Dean asked a bit surprised. 

“Yeah,” Cas whispered again and laughed the most adorable laugh. “We could become parents.” 

“Yeah,” Dean said and his throat felt tight and tears started welling up in his eyes. “Yeah, we could.”

Cas laughed at him and pulled him in again to place long, affectionate kisses to his lips and then his cheeks and his jaw before he put his arms around his neck and just held him close. Dean hugged him just as tightly and tried to force the happy tears away from his eyes, still smiling widely. He pulled away to put his hands in Cas’ dark hair and leaned their foreheads together.

“I love you, Cas,” he said and placed a kiss on his mouth.

“I love you too,” Cas replied, shining with his bright smile, closing his eyes and pulling Dean close. “I love you too.”

 

 

END


End file.
